Be at the theaters

>be at the theaters
>watching the latest mummy movie
>mummy gets killed
>stand up from my seat and yell "WELL THAT'S A WRAP FOLKS!"
>whole audience bursts out laughing for what seems like forever
>projector guy puts his hand in front of the projector and makes a a huge "thumb up" sign appear on screen
>as the the credit rolls, several people come shake my hand and thank me for the joke

Based

Based trips

based double dubs

you guys/girls are cool buds.

Kek'd audibly. Love threads like these

Based frogposter

>at kinotorium
>the protagonist beats up a few of the bad guys
>stand up and say "Ouch, THAT's gonna hurt in the morning"
>whole audience erupts with laughter
>several women come up and offer me their phone numbers
>theater manager offers me free crab legs for life and 10 free passes

That wasn't even funny user.

>At the cinéma
>Protagonist barely survives an explosion
>Stand up and yell "THAT'S GOTTA HURT"
>People are laughing
>feelsgood.png
>Turn around
>Everyone is laughing at the guy with the laser pointer pointing at my dick
>Leave cinéma in shame

>girls

>watching black panther
>yells NIGGERS out loud
>everyone hollars and does backflips
>get invited after the movie ends for KFC and grape dranks

based i love grape dranks

>scantily clad hot woman appears on screen
>yell out "I'D BUY THAT FOR A DOLLAR" at the screen
>entire audience bursts out laughing
>projectionist flickers the screen to show his appreciation
>cool black guy next to me gives me a fist bump

>be in le french cinema
>le hollywood jewish movie
>telling me to be a tranny and accept that my women want the bbc
>EU spokesperson tells me to give up my seat for a refugee
>and your bucket of frogslegs

>character get horrifically mangled in a car crash
>yell "now that's a face only a mother could love"
>audience erupts into laughter
>crowd surf onto stage
>Kinoplex high overseerer grants me access to the loli pit
>throws in a crab leg


Mfw

Gud posts

>be at the falcon aviary
>trailer for The Last Samurai comes on
>after 2 minutes of epicness the screen fades to black and the title card comes up
>yell "WAIT A MINUTE.. TOM CRUISE ISN'T JAPANESE!"
>everyone laughs, I have saved them from this blatant misinformation and shown them the way with perfect comic timing
>one wiseguy replies, "NO SHIT, ASSHOLE!"
>they all laugh even harder
>this is a true story

>Watching the latest kino at the cínema auditorium
>Baywatch
>Scene comes on with a girl in a bikini
>Stand up and go "AWOOOOOGAAA AWAOOOOGAAA"
>Pretend like my jaw has dropped and use my hand to put it back in place
>Look down at my pants and go "BOINGGGGG" and start hitting my penis down
>Dads all laughing and start joining in
>Start a mass show for the rest of the patrons of us going nuts for these women in bikinis
>Suddenly the rock comes on and all the dads and myself sit down quickly apart from one dad who's distracted
>He's grabbing a fake pair of his own boobs and going "HONKKKKK HONKKKK" and hasn't seen the scene change
>Call him a freak and throw my drink at him
>The other dads join in until it begins getting forueful and we're beating him
>His own son begins stomping him on the ground and saying hang him from the rafters
>Tie him up in a noose and pull him up for the whole kinoplex to see
>his son begs I adopt him on the spot and I dutifully do like the good father I am
>Film finishes and everyone chucks their remaining food/drinks at the hanging man (no longer a father)
It's my fifth adoption this year

I admit, it wasn't my finest kinoplex greentext. dubs and you gotta outdo mine.

What's your guys theater shenanigans? Here are mine

>audience laughs at stupid joke
>wait 2 seconds
>loudly laugh mockingly HEEE HAAAA HAAA HURRR
>when someone gets up to leave as the credits roll loudly say MAN I HEARD THERE'S A GREAT AFTER CREDITS SCENE without knowing if there even is one at all
>stop and tie my shoe at the bottom of the stadium seating stairs clogging the exit
>ask people to pick up their trash (even funnier if I saw they didn't even have any snack or drink) and stand in their aisle waiting for them to pick up floor trash
>ask people behind me if they'd like me to read the subtitles for them because I do a really good deep narrator voice
>warn people in advance that a funny part is coming up
>loudly point out people who didn't wash their hands when coming out of the bathroom into the main lobby
>shake hands with the concession worker on the way out and tell them I enjoyed the movie

Kek

>audience laughs at stupid joke
>wait 2 seconds
>loudly laugh mockingly HEEE HAAAA HAAA HURRR
Love this one.

When I went to see the Hobbit BotFA my father and I were the only ones who laughed at the scene where the troll crashes his head into the wall, and after like five seconds of our uproarious laughter the entire theater started laughing too. Same thing happened when Legolas was climbing up the falling rocks like they were stairs.

I kek'd

>Go to the last jedi
>Preview of CGI Spiderman
>He's twirling around, gliding through buildings, soaring, and leaping
>He lands on a building, the sounds climaxes and he takes off his mask
>He's black
>Complete silence, the guy behind me let's out a disappointed "OHhh"
I guess you should have been there

based on the acclaimed graphic novel by frank miller

Nice

>watching Dunkirk
>DUMB roastie WHORE in my row starts crying
>go sit next to the BITCH and order her to tell me what's wrong
>the BITCH me her KEK husband died in Afghanistan and the movie reminds her of him
>tell the DUMB roastie WHORE that everything's gonna be OK and that her SOYBOY husband is in a better place now
>give the BITCH a reassuring pat on the back
>ROASTIE whore says thank you
>give the BITCH the phone number for the best grievance counselor in town

Why did you have the number for the best grievance counsellor in town

are the SHILLS typing like THIS now?

how do I become based like this?

Hello wout, thanks for linking me to this thread
based!!

>30 minutes into Transformers 5
>really have to piss but don't want to miss any important parts of Bay kinoapex
>think fuck it, I'll just use my Big Gulp cup
>sip remaining quarter of soda in under 10 seconds
>feel piss coming down urethra
>oh fuck
>unzip pants
>take cock out and aim into cup
>let out piss every time there's a lot of noise and hold it when it's quiet
>suddenly whole theater is silent
>can't keep holding so say fuck it and keep pissing
>hears sounds of disgust and laughter from the audience
>look up to see my cock projected on the screen
>projectionist shines secondary projection bulb on mycrotch
>panic and try to put my penis back in my pants
>drop cup
>piss falls everywhere
>piss flies out of me spraying people and things around me
>people start punching me left and right calling me "small cock Joe"
>try to explain that it only looks small cause it's flaccid and that my name isn't Joe
>try to grab girl's hand to put on my dick so I get hard
>get arrested by kinokops for sexual harassment

Cuck, desu

>sleeping, dreaming of before The Mouse took over, times I can barely remember
>Wake up to the screeching sound of the kinometer
>Quickly type out a tweet of which of the 20 upcoming Marvel films I'm excited for
>Screeching stops
>Do my mandatory jaw stretching exercises
>Get dressed and exit my Disney-assigned apartment
>Blinding colors of various superheros adorn the Kinopolis
>Take my shuttle to the popcorn mines
>After a grueling day, arrive home
>In a fit of frustration, write in my journal "Down with Big Mickey, Down with Big Mickey" over and over, until I fall asleep at my desk
>Wake up in a dark room
>There's a cage-like contraption on my face
>Accross from me sits a man in a Goofy costume
>He places 2 ripe, red tomatoes to my left, and 2 brown, wrinkly tomatoes to my right
>"What percentage of the tomatoes are fresh? Hyuck Hyuck," he asks
>"50%," I answer
>He places a starved, ravenous mouse in the face-cage
>It begins gnawing at my face
>"Oh, God, make it stop! 75%!"
>Another mouse
>"100%!"
>Another mouse
>"33%!"
>Another mouse
>"What do you want me to say! I don't know!"
>The cage is removed
>"Well, gawrsh, you got it! You don't know! Only my good ol' pal Mickey knows, and it's whatever he says it is! Hyuck Hyuck!"
>Leave a changed man

That’s hilarious.

I am looking forward to Spider-Verse though, if only because I think we could get based Supaidaman and his mech Leopardon on the big screen

he cute!

>Everyone is laughing at the guy with the laser pointer pointing at my dick
Dann, penis inspection is getting weird

>watching James Wan's evil doll masterpiece "Dead Silence"
>film is nearing the climax
>we get to one of those scenes where all the sound is pulled from the film
>shout in a quivering, horrified voice, "I-it's dead s-silence!"
>theater bursts out laughing
>people start throwing tips at me
>I'm snatching dollars out of the air with a huge grin on my face saying "thank you! thank you!"
>nacho girl offers me a lap dance
>she's bouncing up and down on my lap, nachos flying off her nacho tray, dollar bills sticking to the cheese
>some autist shouts "You're ruining the movie!"
>a Chad jumps up, pants the autist
>theater is a madhouse
>can't see the screen because of all the tips and nachos flying everywhere
>leave the theater covered in liquid cheese and dollar bills feeling like I'll live to be 100
>nacho girl gets pregnant and I lost my house in child support
>but it was all worth it, and I'd do it again
>but I have to wait for the 25th anniversary of Dead Silence for the re-release

>2012, watching the dark knight rises in theaters
>watching the classic plane scene
>another larger plane approaches CIA plane from behind
>"LOOK OUT!"
>bane crashes the plane
>no survivors
>"he didn't fly so good!"
>waves of laughter sweep the audience
>i'm just sitting in my chair, smirking to myself
>the laughter never lets up
>people rolling on the floor, they're going mad
>james holmes shoots me in the back of the head

Bump

>In the local movie gallery
>Went to see black panther but live in a white neighbourhood
>See a couple of darkies stood awkwardly in the line queueing up
>Look around at my fellow patrons exasperated and shocked
>"Uuuuhhhh EXCUSE ME ARE YOU LOST?" I shout from across the foyer
>By now everyone is looking at me and them, their heads turning rapidly between us
>"Uh no were here to see a movie" they rudedly retort
>"A MOVIE???" I SCREAM "AT THE KINOPLEX?" I waddle over to them and push past them in the queue
>"One to le black panther madame"
>Pay and smugly smile at the blacks as I go into the cinema
>Text my mom on the way in not to be late picking me up as I've got to review this film post haste to ensure it's fresh inside my frontal cortex
>Take a seat and notice the blacks (barely) meekly walk in and take their seats
>Tell the people sat around me to check their pockets, I point to my wallet on a chain and say they can't get me with a *wink*
>One Mexican nearby looks at me funny and I say I wasn't talking about you bean jumper, he says gracias and offers me some chilli and burritos
>With my gourmet meal I begin to relax and enjoy the film until I notice something
>Sweating I scan the screen quickly and find it to be true
>I stand up nervous and stammer "W-WHERE ARE ALL THE WHITES?"
>The other whites in the cinema notice too "Hey yea where are the white people"
>There's an uproar and even the beaner is on our side
>Look down at the darkies and can't believe my eyes
>They're in full Wakandan robes and attire, covered in jewels and holding spears
>They stand proudly and tell us "THIS IS WHAT THE WORLD WOULD BE LIKE WITHOUT WHITES"
>My mind transcends inside the body of an African slave on a ship, I see a white devil stood over me menacing as he strips me of my minerals
>I wake up back in my own body, the blacks are gone and the film is just starting
>Look around and the cinema is empty
>Text my mum I'll be home late tonight

Are you literally me?

>Be in the theatre
>Back row
>There's a guy by himself sitting in the corner
>Keep my eye on him
>Can't fully focus on the film because I think he looks suspicious
>He stands up and starts fiddling with his back pack
>Start imagining what I'll do if he starts shooting
>Ends up just leaving the movie mid-way through

Phew.

>see "28 days later"
>for some reason a group of special needs people come see the movie and all sit in front row
>every now and then they make random grunting/screeching noises
>get to part with the car crash and the screen goes black
>one special needs guy yells at the top of his lungs
>"UH-OHS!"
>entire theater loses their shit laughing
Sped group actually enhanced the movie, fucking comedy gold

>as he strips me of my minerals
Made me chuckle