Spider-man (1967) Neptune's Nose Cone

It's time for this week's Spider-man. How are you guys and gals doing? Whatever, it doesn't matter, JJ's sending Parker on a suicide mission to the South Pole and we're along for the ride.

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Let's get this show on the road. Hold on to your butts.

3. 2. 1. BLAST OFF

Bump for the Based Spiderposter

This is Rock Blastpeck and I'm here to give you the play-by-play for the Neptune Rocket. We just witnessed the launch and we'll be following it every riveting step of the day as it enters Earth's orbit. The Neptune's Nosecone is loaded to the gills with science equipment to measure the planet's magnetic field and upon its successful mission should completely explain how magnetism works for those curious about the phenomenon. But you didn't come to watch me come while talking about rockets, let's cut back to the rocket while I get some tissues.

GOD I LOVE MY JOB.

Whoooosh

Parker? What the fuck was that?

Did you honestly expect us to sit here together and watch a rocket fly through space from start to finish?

Well I thought it was really neat seeing the rockets go through the stages and I thought maybe I could explain how they work I think it's cool.

Really? That's plain depressing.

BUT ENOUGH WASTING TIME. WHERE ARE THOSE BANK ROBBERY PICTURES I ASKED FOR AN HOUR AGO?

I put them on your desk an hour ago.

You mean these?

You're mistaken, Parker, as usual. I wanted pictures and what I'm seeing here is crap. You should be paying ME to take these pictures.

I came here feeling blue today. Now everything's feeling grey.

Yeah that's better

Jameson here. Yes? What? Whaaaat? WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT? WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT, Yes Jones I heard you. Get back here and get ready to take off. With the Neptune Rocket down in the South Pole it's our chance to get the scoop of the century.

Parker! Do you know what this means?

We should have watched more of the rocket?

Forget that! It's the Scoop of the Century! The rocket's down and we'll get to it first!

WE EVEN HAVE OUR OWN COMPANY PLANE. Robbie thought I was crazy to install the air strip in back but now I'll be laughing and he'll be eating crow... which I think Black people do anyways but that's beside the point.

bump

Ok Parker. Here's what you're going to do. Soon as that plane arrives you're going to be on it, go to the South Pole, find the crash site, and get the Nose Cone's data recorder before the Russians, the North Koreans, or God Forbid the New Jerseyans get their grubby hands on it.

Just think of the headlines I'd be able to run for a mouth once we scoop the world and the US Government. Nevermind. You don't get to think. I'll think up the headlines.

"Fearless Newspaper Publisher finds Nose Cone, face on new commemorative stamp, statues made in his honor but not good enough and instead J. Jonah. Jameson's face now on statue of liberty. Tourism up 6,000%

Publisher's dick this long and this wide. Gets stuck in door. Entire Fire Department required for rescue.

> no no no you're not that cool you'll never be that cool you're even less cool than me, much less because you're old and you smoke so you smell all the time no one likes old people who smoke because they just smell like smoky old people you don't intimidate or impress me old man one day you'll be dead, dead with a cigar in your mouth and no one will be sad you wrinkly angry goblin

>dat fucking pout on Parker

>Meanwhile at the South Pole???

This is Peggy Jones of the Daily Bugle. S.O.S we're lost and running low on fuel. SOS. the engines are icing up and we can't stay up in the air for long. S.O.S. S.O.S. If anyone's out there please respond!

Peggy: Sorry Peter, I know you didn't choose this assignment but I don't think we're going to make it. I'm not sure if the penguins got our distress signal and they rarely respond anyways.

Peter: Yeah... for some reason I thought I'd always go from Mysterio or the Rhino but not like this. I'm really going to die, aren't I?

Peggy: Yeah but please don't die before me. That's rude.

Peter: Sure thing Mrs. Jones.

Peter: But what if we land! Then we might live for a little longer. Maybe we don't die for a little longer Miss Jones, Damnit.

Peggy: Call me Peggy.

Peter: Maybe we don't die for a little longer Miss Peggy, Damnit.

I'll try but the winds are howling and the storm is strong and I can't see much of anything...

Peter: I'll check the map!

Peggy: It's no use. This part this uncharted.

Peter: Well that explains why it's a black piece of paper.

Peggy: I can't stay up for much longer!

Peter: BLAST JJ AND HIS LUST FOR NEWS. IF HE EVEN COMES VISIT THE SOUTH POLE I'LL HAUNT HIM GOOD.

There's only one way through this. I need to focus. Focus on not panicking and instead focus my spider sense out as far as it'll go to tell us which direction is safety.

okay...

HNNNNNGHHGHHNMMMMMMMMMMGHHGHHHHHHHRHHHGHHHHGHAHNNBHHGHAHHGHHFHHHHHHGHHHHGHHFFFFGGGGHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRNNNM

Peter? Was that from you or the plane? If you're going to vomit could you turn your head? If I'm going to die I'd consider it a personal favor to not be covered in puke.

Peter: HEAD A HARD LEFT 30 DEGREES AND PREPARE FOR A HARD LANDING.

Peggy: But...

Peter: JUST DO IT.

We did it! There's land... kind of.

Peter: Don't let your dreams be dreams!

Peggy: That's enough Peter, I'm trying to crash the plane safely and need to concentrate.

ONE PLANE CRASH LATER

Peggy we made it! Peggy? Where'd she go?

Huh. Didn't know she had size 20 feet. You think you know a person.

GOD. DAMNIT. I'm in a Jungle again. Why am I always in a jungle? What I wouldn't give for a peaceful meadow with pretty flowers and friendly deer. There's only so many brown people armed with spears a man can beat up before he has to start questioning himself.

Not that there's anything wrong with beating up people armed with spears but how about doing it in a log cabin sometime?

Help I'm tied to the Neptune Rocket and I'm not wearing pants. Help!

Unless my ears decieve me there's a woman not wearing pants over yonder. It has to be Peggy!

GREAT VOLCANO, GIVER OF HEAT IN THIS FROZEN WASTELAND. YOU PROVIDE US WARMTH AND LIFE AND AS THANKS WE GATHER YOU VIRGINS TO CHUCK IN. GREAT VOLCANO HAVE I GOT A GIFT FOR YOU.

Volcano! Hear me! We found us a virgin out here and not only that but she has a giant metal wedding cake that we'd also like to throw in. Take it! Take it and keep warming us!

Please let me go I haven't shaved in months it's embarrassing wait what did you just say?

Great Volcano who only accepts virgins! We begin our journey to throw both gifts in so please no lava bombs

That Jerk has Peggy and the Neptune's nosecone! That's two things I have to prevent ending up in that volcano!

If I don't stop him from throwing that nosecone into that volcano it'll plug the top of the volcano, cause pressure to build, and the entire island will explode! I have to hurry!

based sepia tone

Was someone talking about science?

NOT ME NOT ME I WOULDN'T KNOW MY COMPOUNDS FROM MY ELEMENTS AND I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT NOBLE GASES.

Why must I continue to hide who I am behind a mask of ignorance

YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT SCIENCE. You said that the nosecone would plug the volcano and I'm here to tell you that is BULLSHIT.

Volcanoes are the direct result of PLATE TECTONICS YOU DUMBSHIT. THE WORLD IS MADE OF PLATES THAT MAKE UP THE EARTH'S CRUST. WHEN THOSE PLATES COLLIDE YOU DON'T GET YELLED AT BY MOM FOR BEING A CLUMSY DOOFUS AND DROPPING HER BEST PLATES, YOU GET VOLCANOES

THE MANTLE IS THE LAYER BELOW THE CRUST AND IT'S LITERALLY MELTED ROCKS. SMASHED TOGETHER PLATES PLUS MELTED ROCKS EQUALS A VOLCANO.

SOME STUPID HUMAN-BUILT BUTTPLUG ISN'T GOING TO STOP MOTHER NATURE, YOU DENSE MOTHERFUCKER.

GOD.

Just thinking of some kind of worst case scenario.

And while we're on the subject of science Mr. Flying Lizardbug, I couldn't help but notice your enormous mass along with my own is kept aloft by your small wings incapable of providing much in the way of thrust or lift. Care to explain that?

He's right! I can't! He's bested me in science and proven my reality false. I must go.

You never know what kind of situations you can talk yourself out of when you know things

Aww nuts. It's a prison plant. You step too close and you're in for 25 to life.

And the plant is so tough when you grab the bars the animation cell changes to a tougher a color. No bending your way past this one, Spidey. I need to think like a prisoner to beat the prison plant.

Fortunately there's a shiv plant right over there!

If anyone asks it was self-defense.

There they are and that's the saddest Thanksgiving Day parade I've ever seen.

We're being followed! He's after our virgin! Stop him!

They were heading for this door maybe there's some way to lock them out before they get here?

Welp. Maybe not

How dare you try to take our virgin away. Do you know how hard it is to even find one these days? We're all bored on this island we fuck everything. That flying snake, that plant, it's fuck or be fucked here.

If you need a virgin to sacrifice leave Peggy out of it! If need be I'll take her place. Take me to the volcano!

Tough crowd.

I don't usually tell people this but even I have a hard time getting with a girl. I know I'm a stud and charming and witty but life always gets in the way and I hate to say it but I've never gotten laid.

Nice try Spider-man but see past your lies! We all know all about Skip!

Does anyone not know about Skip? How do they all find out?

Then we're fighting! You all are the worst Blanka cosplayers I've ever seen. Come at me.

You all couldn't throw a spear right if your life depended on it. Just to prove it I'll stand perfectly still.

It hurts when I'm right, Motherfuckers.

Keep missing with those spears. I can keep this up all day.

He's making fools of us by letting us make fools of ourselves with unforced error after unforced error! After him!

It's bad enough you're all Shreks but ginger Shreks make it even worse

We tried to climb after him but he kept hurting our feelings and now we fall down

Didn't know the skeleton could crumple upon impact like that. The more you know.

Spider-sense tells me this is the right way and that my checking account is perilously close to getting overdrawn.

Sick statue, bruh. Like the eyes.

Oooh, snap!

Oooo what scary eyes.

I can make scary eyes and look mean too!

You stay on your side of the cave and I'll stay on this side.

HEY THERE. DO YOU HAVE A MOMENT TO TALK ABOUT YOUR LORD, JESUS CHRIST?

Whoa hey there let's not go there and what do you mean about my lord?

Hey Spider-man, I, the statue, see that you're pretty gangsta. I'm pretty gangsta myself.

NOT MORMONS!

Why thank you Statue, but I'm kind of busy dealing with this proselytizing bootleg Muzzy only he's trying to push Jesus instead teaching French developed by the BBC to teach french in four easy videos with a unique method that will teach children to speak french on the very first day and is available in English, French, Italian or German for only 28 dollars a month for 6 months.

I KNOW YOU HAVE QUESTIONS, SPIDER-MAN AND WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF I TOLD YOU I HAD ONE BOOK WITH ALL THE ANSWERS?

I'd tell you to get the hell away from me and go bother someone else.

WHY WOULD I DO THAT WHEN I CAN SAVE YOU BOTH, NOW LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE MAGIC UNDERWEAR. IT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE.

The only way out for me is murder. If you think about it I'm doing him a favor by giving him a shortcut to heaven.

*CRASH*

After dealing with that the rest will be a piece o'cake

I am a Dove. But I am not the dove of peace. I am the dove of doom! Spider-man! You're dooooooooooomed.