Hi, my name is Peter Parker, founder and CEO of Parker Industries. I am here today to sit down and tell you about the hidden threat that is advancing on the American people.
Symbiotes.
Have you or a loved one seen a large black man with big lips killing people in the streets in the dead of night? Well, chances are it wasn't a downtrodden African American gentleman, but a person under the corrupting influence of a dirty fucking symbiote.
Now "what is a symbiote" you may ask? A symbiote is a parasitic organism that will attach itself to you and force you to do horrific things to feed itself. Some methods of feeding include killing and consuming the brains of your fellow humans!
"But Mr. Parker," I hear you viewers at home saying, "I was told by a bunch of stupid fucking space adventureres who talk to a tree that the symbiotes are actually called 'Klyntars' and that their species is benevolent and only become corrupt when bonding to an incompatible host?"
Well dear viewer that is bonafide 100% goddamn incorrect information. My best friend Spider-Man, who is perfect in every way, had a run in with a particularly nasty shitbiote that tried to rape him in his sleep and turn him emo! Does that sound like something you want anywhere near our city, our schools? I think not!
If you suspect someone may be effected by a SCUM OF THE FUCKING EARTH symbiote, look for these important warning signs:
1. Referring to himself/herself as "we." 2. A spike in chocolate or assorted medicines consumption. 3. Wearing oddly colored clothes for long periods of time 4. Unusual aggression or reclusiveness 5. A desire to kill Spider-Man or getting their shit kicked in by Spider-Man 6. Being named Eddie Brock
Dylan Howard
of course they are not. They are our waifus
Grayson Allen
If you or someone you know is showing any of these symptoms, quickly contact our Parker Industries Symbiote Hotline by texting "sym" to 1-800-GETTHATGOO
Remember, purge the symbiotes, and Spider-Man is always right!
>This ad paid for and produced by Parker Industries
Brayden Ramirez
Anti-Venom is cool though since it's not a real symbiote
Lucas Garcia
>Klyntars You wanna know how I know you're full of shit? Symbiotes are cute! Post cute Symbiotes.
Asher Jenkins
Really cause a female Venom saved me from a mugging while Spider-man was no where around what's your excuse Mr.Parker?
Samuel Butler
Mr. Parker, are the rumors true that you actually had an intimate relationship with a symbiote and even bonded with it?
Jace Bennett
I heard it gave him the succ
Benjamin Reed
...
Kayden Jones
pfffft come on now symbiotes only bond with chads not virgins.
Joshua Edwards
I want a symbiote to give me the succ
Aaron Myers
>Suddenly Peter goes silent Oh shit! Nigga's a slime chaser
But Mr. Parker, one of those symbiote fellas saved me and some of my co-workers during a collapse at the mine. He was a hero!
Angel Bailey
Didn't your company shut down last month?
Hudson Perry
Mr. Parker, what do you do if you want to bang a girl who has bonded with a symbiote?
Because every time I look at Mania, I wanna bang.
Jacob Perez
>a particularly nasty shitbiote that tried to rape him in his sleep and turn him emo Sir, I can verify that this is fake news.
After all, Spider-Man is the one who brought that thing to our planet in the first place
Carson Ramirez
He's building a symbiote harem
Nathan Jenkins
Can't say I blame you
Jonathan Diaz
This fucker just wants all the symbiotes to himself! I knew Parker was a prick! And I'm still waiting for my Webware refund!
Andrew Cruz
too bad she's dead
Luke Adams
>Spider-Man hates the alien just because it is black.
Alexander Lewis
Nah, she's fine, she's healin up in the hospital.
Chase Torres
N-no that was my best friend Spider-Man! And he has told me the symbiote was an awful space disease many times!
Jack Cooper
Pete...You're literally wearing the costume without the mask right now.
Jace Anderson
>tfw you'll never smash mania
Jaxon Wright
This! We need to purge all Symbiotes for the good of the world.
Robert Lee
>shit kicked in by Spider-Man Uh huh....sure thing Pete, you "tough guy"
>tfw Spidey is just pissed that Venom kicked his ass so many times, and probably would have rid the world of Carnage if not for his constant interferance making him look like a big bleeding heart wuss
Robert Edwards
My name is James Jameson and I refuse to believe that these symbiotes are endangering our country! Anything taking the fight to that menace Spider-Man is obviously on our side!
Hunter Phillips
>A symbiote is a parasitic Nigga, do you even know the definition of Symbiotic?
Cameron Miller
Mr. Jameson, Mr. Jameson! Is it true that your son was bitten by a radioactive space furry, and left home in shame after becoming one himself?
William Cruz
>peter starts the new witch trials >shocked and burned people everywhere >those that dont die are now deaf
Noah Mitchell
For those who don't know me, my Flash Thompson veteran of the Iraq war and head of the office of veteran affairs for N.Y., I feel that my friend Peter is severely mischaracterizing the Symbiote, agent venom personally help get over my recent relapse into alcoholism, and has a demonstratively positive impact in the city of Philadelphia.
Joshua Price
Mr. Thompson, is it true Agent Venom tried to stop Houston's hero, the Scarlet Spider, from putting an end to the menace known as Carnage, once and for all?
Could the symbiotes possibly be working with each other?
Landon Thomas
Is it true what they say about your torrid love triangle with this Agent Venom and a Skrull, Mr. Thompson?
Connor Miller
A symbiote is not a parasite
Christopher Roberts
I am not able to make any official comments on either situation, but I will mention that Agent Venom has tried to permanently neutrilize the Symbiote known as Carnag before only to be stopped by Spider-Man during Carnage attack to a small midwest town, this might have something to do with his later reaction to actions of the scarlet spider
Adrian Collins
What do symbiotes smell like?
James Hughes
If I put a mirror in front of you while you're wearing that, will you break the mirror?
Camden Sanchez
What's Pete up to these days? I know the Bugle called him after his company went to shit. But what's he doing now?
Sebastian Foster
Parker scandal update Peter sleeps nude in a symbiote which he believes gives him sexual powers
Owen Moore
He's the new editor for their science and technology section
David Evans
Ooh. Shwanky.
Austin Cooper
Spider-Man told me the symbiote bonded to him non-consentually.
That space aids RAPED Spider-Man!
Justin Peterson
DO YOU WANT THIS THING NEAR OUR KIDS?
Brayden Green
“The symbiotes” would be parasites though. They are ectoparasites that feed off of the host.
Brandon Rodriguez
>not road tripping with a hunky alien in a big truck Why does OPeter hate fun?
Anthony Clark
So, hey, you guys got any spare symbiotes laying around?
Daniel Morgan
Ask Maniac, dude's just giving them away.
Nathaniel Butler
That is quite a nice jacket he's got, I must say
Hudson Miller
does your fucking keyboard not wor
Michael Cruz
>Anything taking the fight to that menace Spider-Man is obviously on our side! Including the Scorpion?