Symbiotes are NOT our friends!

Hi, my name is Peter Parker, founder and CEO of Parker Industries. I am here today to sit down and tell you about the hidden threat that is advancing on the American people.

Symbiotes.

Have you or a loved one seen a large black man with big lips killing people in the streets in the dead of night? Well, chances are it wasn't a downtrodden African American gentleman, but a person under the corrupting influence of a dirty fucking symbiote.

Now "what is a symbiote" you may ask? A symbiote is a parasitic organism that will attach itself to you and force you to do horrific things to feed itself. Some methods of feeding include killing and consuming the brains of your fellow humans!

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"But Mr. Parker," I hear you viewers at home saying, "I was told by a bunch of stupid fucking space adventureres who talk to a tree that the symbiotes are actually called 'Klyntars' and that their species is benevolent and only become corrupt when bonding to an incompatible host?"

Well dear viewer that is bonafide 100% goddamn incorrect information. My best friend Spider-Man, who is perfect in every way, had a run in with a particularly nasty shitbiote that tried to rape him in his sleep and turn him emo! Does that sound like something you want anywhere near our city, our schools? I think not!

If you suspect someone may be effected by a SCUM OF THE FUCKING EARTH symbiote, look for these important warning signs:

1. Referring to himself/herself as "we."
2. A spike in chocolate or assorted medicines consumption.
3. Wearing oddly colored clothes for long periods of time
4. Unusual aggression or reclusiveness
5. A desire to kill Spider-Man or getting their shit kicked in by Spider-Man
6. Being named Eddie Brock

of course they are not. They are our waifus

If you or someone you know is showing any of these symptoms, quickly contact our Parker Industries Symbiote Hotline by texting "sym" to 1-800-GETTHATGOO

Remember, purge the symbiotes, and Spider-Man is always right!

>This ad paid for and produced by Parker Industries

Anti-Venom is cool though since it's not a real symbiote

>Klyntars
You wanna know how I know you're full of shit?
Symbiotes are cute! Post cute Symbiotes.

Really cause a female Venom saved me from a mugging while Spider-man was no where around what's your excuse Mr.Parker?

Mr. Parker, are the rumors true that you actually had an intimate relationship with a symbiote and even bonded with it?

I heard it gave him the succ

...

pfffft come on now symbiotes only bond with chads not virgins.

I want a symbiote to give me the succ

>Suddenly Peter goes silent
Oh shit! Nigga's a slime chaser

Listen all you fools,
[spoilers] Don't you know that Carnage rules? youtube.com/watch?v=gevm2wPbC6Y [/spoilers]

But Mr. Parker, one of those symbiote fellas saved me and some of my co-workers during a collapse at the mine. He was a hero!

Didn't your company shut down last month?

Mr. Parker, what do you do if you want to bang a girl who has bonded with a symbiote?

Because every time I look at Mania, I wanna bang.

>a particularly nasty shitbiote that tried to rape him in his sleep and turn him emo
Sir, I can verify that this is fake news.

After all, Spider-Man is the one who brought that thing to our planet in the first place

He's building a symbiote harem

Can't say I blame you

This fucker just wants all the symbiotes to himself! I knew Parker was a prick! And I'm still waiting for my Webware refund!

too bad she's dead

>Spider-Man hates the alien just because it is black.

Nah, she's fine, she's healin up in the hospital.

N-no that was my best friend Spider-Man! And he has told me the symbiote was an awful space disease many times!

Pete...You're literally wearing the costume without the mask right now.

>tfw you'll never smash mania

This! We need to purge all Symbiotes for the good of the world.

>shit kicked in by Spider-Man
Uh huh....sure thing Pete, you "tough guy"

>tfw Spidey is just pissed that Venom kicked his ass so many times, and probably would have rid the world of Carnage if not for his constant interferance making him look like a big bleeding heart wuss

My name is James Jameson and I refuse to believe that these symbiotes are endangering our country! Anything taking the fight to that menace Spider-Man is obviously on our side!

>A symbiote is a parasitic
Nigga, do you even know the definition of Symbiotic?

Mr. Jameson, Mr. Jameson! Is it true that your son was bitten by a radioactive space furry, and left home in shame after becoming one himself?

>peter starts the new witch trials
>shocked and burned people everywhere
>those that dont die are now deaf

For those who don't know me, my Flash Thompson veteran of the Iraq war and head of the office of veteran affairs for N.Y., I feel that my friend Peter is severely mischaracterizing the Symbiote, agent venom personally help get over my recent relapse into alcoholism, and has a demonstratively positive impact in the city of Philadelphia.

Mr. Thompson, is it true Agent Venom tried to stop Houston's hero, the Scarlet Spider, from putting an end to the menace known as Carnage, once and for all?

Could the symbiotes possibly be working with each other?

Is it true what they say about your torrid love triangle with this Agent Venom and a Skrull, Mr. Thompson?

A symbiote is not a parasite

I am not able to make any official comments on either situation, but I will mention that Agent Venom has tried to permanently neutrilize the Symbiote known as Carnag before only to be stopped by Spider-Man during Carnage attack to a small midwest town, this might have something to do with his later reaction to actions of the scarlet spider

What do symbiotes smell like?

If I put a mirror in front of you while you're wearing that, will you break the mirror?

What's Pete up to these days? I know the Bugle called him after his company went to shit. But what's he doing now?

Parker scandal update
Peter sleeps nude in a symbiote which he believes gives him sexual powers

He's the new editor for their science and technology section

Ooh. Shwanky.

Spider-Man told me the symbiote bonded to him non-consentually.

That space aids RAPED Spider-Man!

DO YOU WANT THIS THING NEAR OUR KIDS?

“The symbiotes” would be parasites though. They are ectoparasites that feed off of the host.

>not road tripping with a hunky alien in a big truck
Why does OPeter hate fun?

So, hey, you guys got any spare symbiotes laying around?

Ask Maniac, dude's just giving them away.

That is quite a nice jacket he's got, I must say

does your fucking keyboard not wor

>Anything taking the fight to that menace Spider-Man is obviously on our side!
Including the Scorpion?