Be me, apprentice chef

>be me, apprentice chef
>live with my cooking master in the building he runs his catering company out of
>free food, free housing, free education, even have my own pet
>all around a pretty sweet life
>cooking with master when suddenly this orange mountain tromps in boasting about how I'm a shit apprentice and her apprentice is better
>wow_ok_obese_carrot_lady.recipe
>oh wait a minute there's a girl next to her
>I guess that's her apprentice
>she looks back at me
>Her pupils go wider than a Froggy Apple Crumple Thumpkin pan
>She starts drooling and mumbling something about twelve kids
>Orange cow leaves after harassing my master some more
>girl clings to our front door because she doesn't want to leave, starts calling me "num-nums" through pants of heat
>try to tell her I'm not looking for a relationship
>she yells, "WE'LL BE SO HAPPY TOGETHER" right before being torn from the exterior of the building
>this is been every day for the past several years

Help me Marzipanons, how can I explain to this rabid thot that I'm trying to focus on my career as a chef? I've tried everything.

I'm sure all of this sounded a lot funnier in your head, OP.

Just fuck her.

This. Yiff her brains out.

no way fag

Ask your chef if he's good with the ladies. He might help or just roast you.

Have you told her you're not her boyfriend? Loudly?

I liked it.

>be me, apprentice chef
>live with my cooking master in the building she runs her catering company out of
>it's super high end, free food of whatever quality I want, free education
>if this was offered to anyone else I'd probably decry it as socialism
>while buying ingredients with her she stops one day to tell it like it is to some lowlife blue womanizer
>who_the_fuck_has_a_mustache_anymore.recipe
>wait a minute, there's a purplish cat boy next to him, must be his apprentice
>holy shit he's really cute
>pudgy in the most adorable way possible, 9/10 bretty gud
>he immediately starts looking at me weird, but whatever
>start engaging in small talk with this cutie
>you know, about normal things, like how big his "Marzipan Sausage" is
>kid suddenly goes apeshit, declares that I'm "not his boyfriend", and clunks me over the head with a frying pan
>as I wonder how he saw through me that quickly, cooking master says we have to go
>I dont want to leave
>she ends up having to drag me out of the house as I spill my spaghetti even more towards the purple kid
>including giving him a list of reasons why we'd be great together
>he looks horrified

Did I fuck up, Marzipanons? Am I going to have to become one of those NEETs I keep hearing about?

Not gonna lie, you're probably fucked

I'm sure they have some version of /r9k/ where you live

>Rada radda
>Radda, rada rada raada. Rada
>Rada radda rada radda? Rada radda rada rada radda
>Radda Rada rada RADA....
>Rodda rada raaaaaaada
> RADA RADDA RADA RADDAA
>Rada rada radda roddah
>Radah rada rada Rada, rada rada rada radda radda rada
>Rada radda rada radda? Rada radda rada rada radda
>Radda Rada rada RADA....
>Rada radda
>Radda, rada rada raada. Rada
> RADA RADA RADDA RAAADDAA
>Rada rada radda roddah
>Radah rada rada Rada, rada rada rada radda radda rada

Radda rada radda? Radda rada rada rada radah? Rada radda radda...

Whoa now, this is a blue board. Dial it back a little.

Whadda you mean, you "wont allow anyone to address Josef Stalin without the title of 'Master Chef'"? Do you hear yourself man?

delet

While I do agree that giving chowder a shotgun and claiming self defense would help eliminate the problem, I don’t think murder should be plan b, that’s more of a plan z.

You bring up some valid points but a race war is not the answer

>Rada rada radda roddah
Sup Forums BTFO.

Are there any noteworthy copypasta-type posts out there besides the Spongebob and Fred ones?
Those are the only ones I'm remembering.

No way mate, having Chowder be killed should happen at plan R at the latest.
Now as for specifically planting false evidence after the fact, that shouldn't go until at least plan W, but at that point we just want to get this over with.

>Go to the this restaurant I have heard good things about
>Owner is an old lady as his husband who is a blue guy
>Try not to stare but blue guys are pretty rare in this part of Marzipan
>Ask the blue guy if he sells chicken drumsticks
>Without even a hesitation he replies "Chicken and Drumsticks? More like Chicken Drumshits"
>Surprised and startled, since there seem to be kids nearbye I assumed he said it wrong (Blue people sometimes have those funny accents)
>Ask him about his suckling pig special
>Clear as day hear him say "Suckling pig? More like you like to suck them big"
I stormed out furious, I am not racist or anything but fucking blue's are not professional.

Dude you can't just say that kind of stuff here. This is Sup Forums, not Sup Forums or some of the other fucked up minded boards. Show some self restraint man!

>"Radda, rada rada raada. Rada"

Dude What the actual fuck

>Rada radda rada radda? Rada radda rada rada radda
Jesus dude, that's some fucked up shit.

I mean, that's sexual harassment dude. You should talk to your employer if it sounds like they have a history, but if it's really bad, well, you'd be surprised how easy it is to get a restraining order

Okay, but where would we get that much hand lotion from?

You make me sick

I agree. Heil Trump, heil victory, and most importantly heil our people.

>Radda Rada rada RADA

All you really need is just ductape and rope. But other materials work fine too.

>be me, fruit vendor
>life pretty much sucks
>low paying job
>live in the basement of my mother, who nags and harassed me everyday
>never kissed or been with a girl other than my mother
>my only reason to live is my dream of some day owning a comedy-club for fruit
>one day selling fruit to loyal customer
>that fat whore Endive shows up
>not_this_shit_again.jpg
>she starts boasting about how superior she is to my customer
>whatever, as long as she buys something
>all of a sudden my buddy Chowder lets out a bloodcurdling screech, more painful than mother’s screams when she’s on her period
>>”I’M NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND!”
>he’s pointing at some beautiful girl named Pannini who is eying him up
>she clearly wants to bang him
>>”See ya Num Nums”
>That fat whore Endive drags her off
>Chowder is scared shitless
>mfw I’ve never been with another woman and this autistic, fat kid has one drooling for his underage dick

>be me, father of two, meek house-husband
>live town of Littlebark, Marzipanian colony in country of Nikkelodion
>son is a good kid with heart of gold
>his friends are all annoying little shits
>one is fat fuck bear kid who wears nothing but a bright red Speedo EVERY. FUCKING. DAY.
>every single day, just twig and berries bouncing around
>he's adopted, raised by the most white trash people in our town
>son has friends over for school project night
>includes rabbit kid who's more queer than $3 bill, some fox girl who always has suspicious bruises on her body and, of course the fat fuck bear
>wife is out with youngest for the night visiting with friends from college
>decide to dust off some old comic books and read tonight
>all of the sudden thumping noises
>damn kids
>try to ignore
>5 minutes later still thumping
>get up to investigate
>go downstairs and pass table, notice picture of wife isn't there
>what the fuck?
>look into kitchen and see son, rabbit faggot and CPS poster-child working hard on project
>still hear thumping
>realize it's coming from the restroom
>oh. fuck. no.
>rush down the hall and see landwhale bear kid on our toilet, cock in one hand, pic of my wife in the other
>he didn't even bother locking the door first
>too meek to fly off the handle
>walk away
>he was back with the rest of the group 5 minutes later
>a couple hours later they finish the project and everyone goes home
>realization sinks in that one of my son's friends jerked off to a picture of my wife
>realization that I was too much of a bitch to say anything about it

What do tell my son? What do I tell my wife? I don't want the disgusting little shitter in my house anymore.

I say, talk to his turtle parents

Chowder was a shit apprentice who learns nothing, only eats, and cooks nothing properly on his own.

>yfw never have a childhood gf that plans a future life with you

How is this getting past mods and janitors?

DELETE THIS RIGHT FUCKING NOW

>be me, mung daal
>more like I won em all

Wow, who would've thought Schnitzel was Jewish...

BASED

Fuck I miss this show

I laughed harder at this than I should have.

...

smack the shit outta that bear and the warthog while your at
>im gonna kill you guys
>wait no im not
>okay my life debt is re-payed i saved you from myself

send him a picture of her nonexistent tits and then later in a drunken rage beat the shit out of him and his friends

Don't worry user. You're cute, cute, CUTE based on your pic! Just stop being such an autist and everything should be okay. Seriously, why the fuck do you already own a wedding dress?

Fuck.

Fuck nigger
Talk to his parents.

>Orange cow

No schnitzel.
We're not going construct a massive catapult and launch chopper into space

Miiiiiight be a little too late for that

>still be me, 12 year old bunny girl apprentice
>walking with my cooking master to buy ingredients
>for some reason, the fruit we want is only sold by this manchild elephant who's never touched a woman in his life
>by freak coincidence, that blue fucker is there too with his 10/10 qt apprentice, trying to buy that exact same kind of fruit
>this time I came prepared
>as cooking master and blue boi fight each other over some stupid fruit, the purple bunny cat bear thingy is isolated
>pull out a plate of warm, heart-shaped cookies that I spent all of last night working on in case I saw him again
>naturally, he immediately starts taking chunks and wolfing them down like he's a starving African child or some shit
>withhold the cookies, tell him that he can have them if he promises to go on a date with me
>his smile suddenly drops
>"eh, I'm not hungry anymore"
>pic related is my reaction right about then
>I have no idea what to do, no plan accounted for the rejection of the cookies
>stand still, sweating like a pig for like a full minute as I try to think of something
>oh shit, he's walking away, I have to do something, anything to salvage this
>chuck a cookie at him
>chuck more cookies at him
>fuck it, I'm chucking all the cookies
>he runs away screaming while I continue throwing cookies like ninja stars, desperately begging him to "LOVE ME!!!"

Maybe I just need to bring more cookies?

Ok, you got me.

You Sick Monster!

Because Europe is better off accepting the migrants, they're a lost cause and they need to learn the hard way what makes the Constitution so useful.

You think YOUR life sucks?
>Be me, dentist villain
>Torment kids with a group of other villains for lulz
>In this group, there's this one guy who nobody fucking likes but we keep him around because he fetches coffee for us. Let's call him Jim for now.
>One of our plans involves raiding a treehouse from some faggot kids from next door
>I've dealt with them before and I hate the shit out of them.
>And then, Jim arrives.
>oh fuck me with a garden rake.gif
>We tried to send him to the Antarctic Iceberg Inn so he wouldn't bother us but of course, it didn't work.
>Jim goes off about joining the plan and the boss outright rejects him.
>He asks why and we tell him why since he's so fucking retarded.
>I call him out for his bullshit
>And here's where things get worse.
>Jim starts crying until the Boss sends him to get decaf.
>As soon as he leaves, we bolt the fuck out of there.
>proceed to raid the treehouse
>everything's going great as i burst open the door
>accidentally activate the security almonds
>oh shit oh shit oh shit
>luckily, cat lady and couch bros comes in to save me
>don't bother with cat lady, she's like a 2/10.
>RAID SUCCESSFUL, BITCHES.
>Install dental equipment in the rooms but boss kicks me out of the leader's room which i called
>Head to another room
>Some hours later, i hear some fighting going on
>I come out, wondering what's going on.
>OH FUCK, IT'S JIM.
>He confuses me for his arch-rival.
>He proceeds to attack me and spin me around using his fucking toilet paper shit and I land in a toilet.
>OHFUCKNOPLEASEHELPME.jpeg
>Jim fucking flushes me down the toilet.
>I managed to escape the sewer system after a few hours.
>I'm going to fucking kill Jim after this.

Why the fuck did the boss think putting a retard on our team was a good idea?

Where the fuck would u dump the fucking body then Schnitzel?

>be me, complete sticc, live Beach City in shitty little hippie commune
>unemployed, living in a house with friends that dead friend's husband bought
>always had feelings for dead friend
>nicest person you'd ever meet
>voice both soothingly sweet and sultry
>perfect mixture of both thicc and lean, like a fucking Amazon
>she ain't into chicks tho
>spend life watching her date chads
>relationships never last, but she keeps craving dat dick
>one day hairy, manlet busker shows up in town
>friend is smitten
>here-we-go-again.rock
>be there to provide comfort when the relationship goes sour
>it doesn't
>they get closer, public displays of affection everywhere, all the fucking time
>sick to stomach
>treat friend's new bf like shit because muh 'tism
>act like total bitch to him
>say he'll never have the relationship with her a lifelong friend like me has
>calls me a cunt
>they get even closer
>hear their throes of passion whenever they fuck in his dingy van
>cry to self
>they talk about getting married
>manlet has gone from busker to self-made carwash owner in past few years
>they build a house to live in together
>friend let's me and commune bros crash there
>still have to listen to manlet plow my waifu all night
>friend is getting chubbier
>one day they announce that she's pregnant
>cut-my-gem-into-pieces.rock
>we find out shortly after that she has a complication in her pregnancy
>she'll die if she carries to term
>hope that they abort it and break up from the stress
>friend, fucking martyr she is, decides to carry to term
>pair are even closer during the pregnancy, because they want to enjoy their remaining time together
>day comes and friend dies to deliver little shit into the world
>manlet names him Steven
>hate Steven for the eternal grief he's burdened me with
>consider smothering him in his sleep
>decide against it for now because other commune fags think he's cute

I'm conflicted. Should I do it? If so, how do I divert suspicion from myself?

Don't worry. I'm sure you will find the right mare some day.

you must not show your true power levels, schnitzel
the world isn't ready yet

Go here:

Blue lives matter.

>this entire fucking green text

schnitzel, you glorious bastard

>more painful than mother’s screams when she’s on her period
Your mother should probably see a doctor.

Whoa shit schitzel this is a blue board

panini has it rough, imagine having to put up with endive every fucking day
they should have made an episode about it

...

>decry it as socialism
>lowlife blue womanizer
is it words i dont understand day at the morons club?

She never said her education was very good

fucking lol, underrated

bump

YES
MORE

I liked it too, wasn't bad decent effort

kiss her, and fade to black

He’s playing hard to get. If you keep following him, then in a few years he’ll finally see you two are meant to be.

I love Harvey fans

This thread is kino.

Should I jump in his shirt with him? I've heard from some Marzipanons that that's a good idea

Anyone got convention stories? I got one.

>be me, professional fry cook & jellyfish hobbyist
>going to big weekend jellyfishing convention with best friend, hype as shit
>have a fun time enjoying con-food, buying merch, and meeting real professionals in the field
>go to panel of expert jellyfisher Kevin the Sea Cucumber
>spill spaghetti everywhere in front of this 10/10 Chadly creature
>somehow manage to convince him that we should go jellyfishing together later
>so excited
>day quickly goes to shit though
>turns out Kevin is actually really fucking awful at jellyfishing
>nigga keeps getting stung and whines like a little bitch
>later in the day Kevin and his buddies decide we're going after some big game
>say they need bait to get the job done
>wind up hogtied to some BDSM contraption to lure out a Queen Jellyfish
>Kevin and his toadies fuck off and leave me there
>hours later the thing finally shows up and starts trying to kill me
>manage to break free from sex-slave rack and book it
>get chased to cliffside
>begin to break down crying
>suddenly the Queen Jellyfish opens up like a diving helmet
>the fuck
>it's a fucking robot, and Kevin and his faggot friends are riding in it
>this nigga had a giant robot jellyfish prepared just so he could fuck with me
>Kevin and his homo butt-buddies start laughing their asses off
>I'm sitting there on the ground bawling like an infant
>King Jellyfish shows up because goddamn that robot lifelike
>immediately begins trying to copulate with the robot
>Kevin begins losing his shit and ends up crashing the robot
>King is pissed
>benny-hill-chase-theme.wav
>wind up trapped in a cave with this dipshit pickle and his cronies
>manage to distract the beast using Bachelor's Degree in Bubble Arts
>go back to con and enjoy the rest of my stay
>best friend gets arrested for kidnapping the con mascot
>go home when the weekend is up
>faggot neighbor who I entrusted to take care of my pet snail didn't do his damn job
>snail is now deathly ill

> RADA RADA RADDA RAAADDAA

Schnitzel, I know how badly you want to fuck that little pink slut and I completely understand telling Chowder to stop being gay so you can get in on a threesome, but is sacrificing her to Kukulkan really gonna make you cum any harder ?

I mean she is too young to be a sacrifice at this point after all.

>too young to be a sacrifice
Oh, that's cute you think that.

I would tell you to go back to Sup Forums but even they would have a hard time fully processing this

I'm sure you did, since you wrote it.

>son is a good kid with heart of gold
>his friends are all annoying little shits
>one is fat fuck bear kid who wears nothing but a bright red Speedo EVERY. FUCKING. DAY.
>every single day, just twig and berries bouncing around

Go on. This is the hottest thing I've read in a long time. Got pics?

Kill yourself. You're worthless, a dime a dozen, and a defect at that. A fat busker got with the only woman you even had a chance with. And now you want to kill a baby because you didn't have the balls to break them up earlier? Seriously, sticc, just neck yourself. Save your commune friends the torture of your continued existence. Also the new girl is better than you. Been replaced twice.

You're a Cat/Bear/Rabbit kid. They're well known for how sexually aggressive they are. You're gonna have to deal with that.

>>never kissed or been with a girl other than my mother

>>Be me, dentist villain
No need to continue. You've already won.

>tfw did
>tfw met with her again in high school
>tfw she still wanted to go through with those childhood plans
>tfw turned her down

Schnitzel, please. This is a blue board. Take that filth to Sup Forums.

>be me, 6'11 chad with a sweet ride and a garage full of jawbreakers
>make fun of everyone in the cul-de-sac because they cant do shit to stop me
>even my best friend who's from a country from who the fuck cares, probably a terrorist
>only bangable bitch always plays hard to get
>dont give a shit because my bike would be a better ride than that thot
>have to deal with freaks who talk to wood and a soyboy who hang out with a little girl
>and there's these three dorks who always make my life miserable with their shit
>beat them up every once in a while to make them learn their place
>they always end up coming up with even more plans to ruin my day and my bike
>one day the manlet dork had enough of my shit and said he's going to go to his brother's house for help
>my balls drop to the ground in fear because that guy aint nothing to fuck with
>now on a trip across the state with the blonde bitch to stop the dorks before his brother makes my ass wink
any tips?

Did you call them dorks? Loudly?

I hope for your sake that it wasn't a flaring up of your autism and it's because you now fuck broads on the regular

...

Sure. Do whatever it takes. Even bloody murder if shit starts to get really desperate.