I'm so fucked

So I somehow managed to land an IT project manager job, I have absolutely no idea how or what I need to know to do the job, any tips so I don't fuck everything up the first day

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The first step, Pajeet, is to poo in the loo and not on the street.

How the fuck do retards like you get interviews and jobs while I can't even get a single rejection letter to my resumes when I apply at least 50 times a month?

Honestly Imy still really confused I can't see how the company sees I'm even slightly qualified but I'm gonna roll with it. But I just have to figure out how to do my job

enjoy getting blacklisted

Delegation. Delegate everything. First of all learn what the fuck your floor staff can do, talk to them all, get a feel for it, these are your tools, all you do is set them to a fair level of work each and the job does itself.

Attitude and social skills are important. Op shows he is aware of his limitations and politely came here to ask for help. That shows he has the right mindset to learn fast. While you showed envy, resentment and a negativity - all traits that doubtlessly manifest in everything you do. People can sense this even through a resume. -

Yes, I'm sure the automated HR bot saw right through me as it auto-trashed my resume because I didn't have the correct number of keywords.

you are socially inept. You have to have personality too as well as qualifications

And why don't you have those keywords?
Your attitude is one of complaining... Why not fix your resume.

your a manger now bud delegate tasks

I don't think you guys understand this is my first IT only job, you read that right the first, how does this kind of thing happen

You don't sound like management material, nor do you sound like you have a habit of bullshitting and shifting responsibilities to people below you.

Enjoy getting fired.

You already seem pretty rotten, dude.

OP made a thread, exposing him to a place of harsh criticism just so he could learn, fully open about his weaknesses. It's a good, rare quality.

no, he's literally panicking because he lied about his qualifications and now he's getting what he asked for

You need this: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ITIL

No need to get a certificate since you already have the job, you just need to read the volumes.

I've got thick skin, so I'm just grinning, at these low level insults, on topic though, from what I'm getting on what I've been reading this kind of position is more about soft skills; communication, organization, leadership, etc. Right?

I didn't lie, I honestly sent in my resume originally for a much lower position. They interviewed me today and called me like an hour later with a job offer, and like this is a legit company. Like major thousands of locations nationwide.

Thanks for the Wikipedia link it helps quite a bit.

If it's a legit running big company and you didn't make up your qualifications then they know what they needed. If thats the case chances are you're what they're looking for.

Learn where Adobe Reader is and how to install it. This will be the most important skill in your IT arsenal.

rewrite that resume to try and match what the job description wants.

The gods smile upon you. As an user said before, take the first day to recognize your workspace and subordinates.

You will look what project they are in, and ask how they were handling it. Ask if they had any complaints about the previous manager, so you'll know what you should and should not do. But beware, don't act complacent.

this. delegate and improvice, use nlp-buzzwords until you can cash your way out of the contract.

...

>IT project manager job

don't worry.
you won't be doing anything important. you're probably some M$Office monkey bitch to someone higher than you.

the word "project manager" has pretty much been destroyed over the ages.

I have a similar problem.

The weakest mother fucker in my class who spent 2 extra years to finish his bachelors degree got a job placement before graduation. Meanwhile I am the top student of my class and I can't even land an interview for entry level positions.

The job market is plagued with nepotism and referrals. People don't get hired on merit anymore.

>I have absolutely no idea how or what I need to know to do the job
Sounds to me like you are perfect manager candidate. I'm 90% confident this is bait thread to trigger jelly NEETs, but in case it's not then have fun with this shit. Project manager is one of more stressful positions due to the amount of contact you will have with clients screaming at you and if you have no clue wtf you are doing then it is going to be a hell for you. You are literally going to want to kill yourself within few months. Unless you were offered crapload of money abort and go flip burgers.

OP also lied through his fucking teeth through the hiring process. Not such a good quality.

I could do that and land interviews by tomorrow. Faking experience and qualifications is a piece of cake but you can't bullshit your way out of the interview especially if they don't offer training and expect you to know your shit in advance.

OP is a fucking faggot who probably stole the vacancy from a more deserving candidate. People like him should be blacklisted.

>anymore

spoiler: they never did

deal with it ... its how it works

landed a high 5 figure paying job cause my daddy had the connection

yeah i might not be the most qualified but i can do whatever i want and shitpost on Sup Forums lol

find out who is best at which job, and tell them to do it

youll have some extra paperwork as you send completed shit off to different departments

pretty much it

just smile, be friendly with everyone, LISTEN to everyone, if you find yourself having a hard time getting along with someone, ask them about themself, people love talking about themselves and its the easiest way to make friends

once youre friendly enough with everyone, youll coast through, and promotion wont be far away

>have absolutely no idea how or what I need to know to do the job

And that's why you're qualified for it.
That's how that position works.
Now all you need to learn is how to blame everyone else for when the project inevitably fails.

> just read the volumes
AHAHAHA

Yes it is, do what
said and you should be fine. Most tech people like teaching you their world, so you just need to understand things on a rather coarse scale.
Could help brushing up on agile methods and tools to keep things together, as keeping track of state will be your job and these make it tremendously easier.

Also CMMI, ITIL is more ops specific.

You're in luck, over half of IT projects fail and project managers are fucking worthless. You're already as good as you're peers.

Your resume probably sucks, sysadmin here, my resume has a 100% call back rate.

Tech interviews are nontrivial. It's easier to trust someone's judgement from past work than to vette it out in someone you don't know at all.

For entry level positions though.. no idea.

Start training for a pmp certification, pluralsight has a 30 day free trial I think, I train for all my certs through them (mcse, lpic, vcp), they have a pmp course.

You'll probably start as a junior level project manager.

Reach for the bleach, fgt.

A project manager has no subordinates.

>Ha! Look at that poor bum literally begging me for a sandwich! It's just a fucking sandwich! See THIS is why he's poor! Such a desperate envious bum so obsessed with a simple sandwich! He just needs to beeee himself!

When I interview for a job, it's almost always for a job with skills I didn't have. I get about 50% of the jobs I interview for.

Install Google Ultron on all the machines.

OP better use the computers he is given for bitcoin mining operations...

This is the most generic, ordinary, uncreative Sup Forums comment I've ever read.
0/10, fpnbp

>"I'm a CS major"
>"Oh so you know that computer stuff!"

Literally how I got my IT internship

I'm a second-year and haven't learned anything about IT stuff, just programming

Me too. I don't even apply to IT jobs, I'm literally getting rejected by home depot and walmart.

Guys literally don't give up on applying places, I've sent out my resume hundreds of times, and have had no luck for 5 months, 1 month ago I started getting interviews left and right, he'll I sent my resume into this place like two months ago. I had a tour of the office, I'm fairly certain these people have no idea about tech honestly 50% of people had 4:3 monitors, I think I'm fine now

Have someone who actually knows how to write a resume fix your shit.

Also try to be social and confident. My current sysadmin position the interview was an hour, first 15 minutes was technical. Last 45 minutes we talked about sports and life. Another acquaintance of mine had the same interview with the same manager a few days prior and he was grilled for 1 hour on technical details. He is probably autistic and tries to act smarter then he really is, challenging every technical question you ask him. You can see why I was hired over him.

I didn't even finish college and already got a web dev job. It's so fucking easy. just LOL @ neet cucks

>web dev
Nice career path, faggot.

>overqualified

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Read ITIL, so you can communicate with the people giving you money, let the rest of the team tell you what needs to be done. You are not there to do anything other than Manage your resources.

No it's not, most managers are like that but it's not what the position should entail. I bet you can't even estimate a proper software project schedule.

he/she is either a female, trasgender, muslim, or gay

these people get put in the IT industry for political reasons. It's disgusting.

>have no qualification or experience in IT whatsoever, only done labour work
>apply for a manual web tester job, whatever, i know how to inspect element/adobe reader
>become the best manual QA, promoted, switch to QA automation, promoted, become QA lead
>don't have to do any real work other than mentoring people and taking credit for others work
the key to success is alcoholism

haha, quality : )

yea if youre doing labor IT work

you wouldnt last a second in the programming industry

This is a really good post

What's wrong with it?

I have no degree and get jobs easily.

From what I have gathered people who externalize their failures never succeed at any aspect of life.

Let me guess: all women are just stupid and beneath you thats why youre forever virginal?

test automation is programming (before you say it isn't - yes it is)

what about all the hard labor of lugging those bits upstairs or cramming a unit test into a cardboard box to be returned to HP?

Nah son I'm white as fuck

If you have that much potential you should aim to become self-employed.

Any tips or resources on how to do that

You want to look at prince 2 and give people actions in your project meetings.. Then follow up with them.

Job done thank me later.

then youre wasting one of the very few opportunities you have

good job

HR girlls do not read manually every single resume, especially if there are 500+ people.

They just use ocr that scan resume for words like:
>git, java, js, javascript, svn, c#, agile

etc and then, cv tages as positive are considered and the best one are send to technical person.