Anybody have some good jokes in your country? I have some good Soviet jokes my father used to tell at parties.
A while back, it's an old story, about three dogs.
There's an American Dog, a Polish Dog and a Russian dog. They're visiting each other and the American Dog was telling the other's about how things were in this country. He says, "You bark, you bark and after you bark long enough somebody hands you some meat". Polish dog says, "What's meat?". Russian dog says, "What's bark?".
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dont get it
I once was suspended from work for this one
what do you call a girl without legs?
disabled
President Reagan gets shot, rushed to the hospital in critical condition, just before they put the anesthesia mask on he says, "I hope you're all Republicans".
I heard this before and I never got it
Polish were too poor for meat back then, if you speak out against the government as a Russian back then it was suicide.
dont get it
They're about to hold his life in their hands, he's hoping they don't "accidentally" fuck up the procedure.
There's this story about the two fellows in the Soviet Union who were walking down the street and one of them says: Have we really achieved full communism? Is this it? Is this now full communism?
The other one said: Oh no, things are gonna get a lot worse.
...
you know there is a ten year delay in the Soviet Union for the delivery of an automobile. And only one out of seven families in the Soviet Union own automobiles. There is a 10 year wait, and you go through quite a process when you are ready to by, and then you put up the money in advance.
This man laid down the money, and the fellow in charge said to him: Come back in 10 years and get your car.
The man answered: Morning or afternoon?
Aliens catch an Englishmen and American and a Russian, they're put into separate empty cubic cells and each givet two big metal balls. They are told the one that surprized alies the most with what they could do with the balls will be set free.
An hour later, they enjoy Enlighmen's juggling show, he's very good at it, aliens are impressed.
Then they go see the American, he's rolling around his cell like he's more used to it than to walking. Pretty cool.
In a couple of minutes they return to tell that they're letting the Russian go.
- B-but what dod he do?
- He's broken one ball and lost another.
The man in charge said, "It's in 10 years what difference does it make?!"
"Well the plumber's coming in the morning".
Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev, and Brezhnev are riding in a train together. Suddenly the engineer halts the locomotive because there's a piece of track missing up ahead. Lenin says "Let us summon a council of the workers and peasants to fix the track." Stalin then says "If we don't get moving in the next five minutes, the engineer should be taken away and shot." Khrushchev says "Let's fix it by taking pieces of track from behind the train and putting them in front." And finally, Brezhnev says "Comrades, I have a better idea. Let's just roll down the shades, put some music on the turntable, and pretend we're moving."
A boy indian comes to the great chief.
-Chief, how our tribe decide on name of baby?
-Well, when woman goes to labor, I come to this mountain and look upon the valley. If I see flying eagle, boy's name Flying Eagle. If I see runnig buffalo, boy's nsme Running Buffalo. But why do you ask, Fucking Dogs?
A Russian and and American die almost at the same time. They stay at the gates of Paradise, and St Paul tells them: "Both of you are too sinful before God, you aren't getting in, but we've got 2 hells, American hell and a Russian one. Choose. "
- What's the difference?"
- Well, at the American hell you must eat one bucket of shit a day, and in Russian one 2 buckets."
Both are partiots and choose their own verion.
A year later, they accidentally meet at the border and share the experience.
American: "Well, I'm already used to finishing my bucket first thing in the morning, so that i'm free to go the rest of the day. What about you?"
- Oh it's the usual. Either there's the shortage of shit or not enough buckets to go around
i think this is international one instead of turkish but here we go:
hitler and mussolini were having conversation in a bar. a guy was passing by and heard hitler says: "this time, im going to kill 10 million jews and a cycle repairman". the guy turned towards hitler and mussolini and asked them:
"why are you planning to kill a repairman"
then hitler says to mussolini:
"you see, i told you noone would care about 10m jews"
i was fired from job because i wear mini skirt
they said my dick appears
...
A Russian, a German and an American bet they could feed mustard to a cat.
German tied the poor thing and poured mustard into her mouth. "No," protested Russian, "- this is violence!"
Next was an American. He smeared mustard onta piece of beef, and the cat ate it with pleasure. "No," - protested Russian - "that's a bribe!"
Next up is the Russian. He smeares mustard under the cat's tail. Cat mews wildly as she tries to lick it off. "There", - says Russian. "- All eaten, all voluntarily and with a song even!"
A Russian partisan commander makes a speech to his partisans.
-See what this fachist animals did to our country's poor jews, he says as he wipes a tear from his eye.
-Comrades, this will not go unpunished. I promise you, we will go all the way to Berlin and we will do the same and even worse to their jews!
Haha, good one
kek
Pretty good I kekked
lel
lelly
The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it. The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit deserved it. The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”
A Russian, an American and a German are caught by cannibals. They are told:
- We have an echo in the gorge. You will be allowed to shouut in turn. That one of you whose words will echo longer, survives, the other two get eaten.
American shouts, "Reagan!"
Echo repeats once and is quiet.
The German shouts "Hitler!"
Echo repeats once and is quiet.
Russian shouts:
- Guys, the store got a vodka delivery! Echo:
- Where, where, where ... where, where, where?
It took an hour to calm down.
a student went to school office to enter to school
head of school: whats your name?
mehmet: me-me-mehmet ka-ka-kaya
hos: stutter?
meh: no sir, my father was. and registrar officer was a son of a bitch
Good, mentally saved.
I feel retarded
You honestly should dude. It's OK though, try to contribute some Irish bar jokes or something.
>Cold War
>USA makes USSR jokes
>USSR... makes USSR jokes
Odd system.
an american an english a turk and a kurds were on a plane. the plane starts to fell, and the pilot decides to get rid of those 4 but there were only 2 parachutes
he gave 2 parachutes to american and english man.
then turned to turk and said:
"i bet you cant jump off the plane"
the turk suddenly jumped off
then he turned to kurd and he said:
"its forbidden to jump off the plane"
then the kurd jumped off
In soviet Russia jokes laugh at you
Not really country related but still funny.
Why is Hank Hill considered a racist?
He hates coalburners.
>but still funny
a genre of donkey was about going to be extinct so it needed to have sex with a human
the professors were searching all around the world to find a human who would accept to have sex with donkey. noone accepted, they finally went to diyarbakir. they said to a guy:
"would you have sex with a donkey for 40 000 dollars?"
the guy says:
"wait a little"
and went away and returned after 2 hours and said:
"ok, ill have sex with donkey"
professors said:
"why did it take 2 hours to decide?"
the guy said:
"i sold my truck for 20 000 dollars and borrow 20 000 dollars from my friend to pay you"
was Reagan as hated as Bush by the left?
one day 2 kurds decide that they want to become turks, they asked their chief how they can become one and the chief answered ''if you can reach the top of that hill you will become a turk'' so both kurds head on and start climbing the hill.
The first kurd managed to get on top of the hill, homewer the second one couldnt reach it and asked for help
''pull me up will you lad''
which the one on top answered
''fuck off you kurdish subhuman''
actually chuckled
The D/R split wasn't nearly as severe in the 1980s. Reagan wasn't 'hated' by the left so much as fundamentally disagreed with; there was still room for negotiations back then.
this one i learned on Sup Forums, so it may be common.
One day a soviet commissioner goes to a town in bulgaria to investigate the potato reserves.
The town chief says ''Comrade, the potato stacks are so tall that it reaches gods feet!''
in which the commissioner says ''great news comrade, i hope you are aware that god is not real though''
The chief replies ''i know sir, neither are the potatoes!''
World book of records by russia:
Having fastest - clock
Having biggest - microprocessors and dwarves
And did you know, that after the 2nd world war, there were even coal-pipes in russia...
My grandpa was there for an excursion, and it was pipe like 2meters in diameter with a silent sh-sh-sh sound coming from inside.
They've persuaded the guide to show them whats inside ... And once they've reached the service station and opened the doors, there were some people inside it, handing the buckets full of coal, saying Bite schon, Danke schon...
Anyway, who are the geographical neighbours of Russia? Anyone they want to be...
And there was this guy from Usa, having a friend in Russia, once calling him on a phone: Lissen here, Voloda, they've told in news, that you have there temperatures below -50 celsius.
NIet, nevasmozno... Only -25
Oh come on Voloda, they were saying it on news, it must be true...
Niet, minus 25, I've checked the thermometer..
Voloda, it must be truth, the news were saying, you have minus 50 in your region...
Ahhh, you mean OUTSIDE...
If I was brown looking I would tell this joke to random people
the far left always hated him, it's just that the DNC wasn't controlled by the far left in those days. Tip O'Neil's Democrat Party =/= Barack Obama's Democrat Party.
>implying we dont
How do you fit 50 jews in a car?
2 in the front, 3 in the back rest into the ashtray
I wanna be in a bar in Europe and hear a cheeky Turk tell this to an American backpacker
>>>>
Bill Clinton and his pals created the "new" democrats, just become centrist and you will be president most of the time, the trade off is that the country moves to the right because of this
This is a part of why the left hate Hilary
>DNC wasn't controlled by the far left
They aren't now, either. Today's DNC is further right than 1978's RNC.
Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" Silence. "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot, and he asks again, "Who sneezed, Comrades?" No answer. "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot too. "Well, who sneezed?" At last a sobbing cry resounds in the Congress Hall, "It was me! Me!" Stalin says, "Bless you, Comrade!"
We tell more 9/11 jokes than you do, I promise you that.
When was Jimmy Carter decorating the White House with gay pride colors? I seem to have missed that.
Is that the only metric on the left/right continuum?
Gay rights don't equal leftism, that's general liberalism. Obama didn't support gay rights until it was politically beneficial anyway
Obama made many of the Bush tax cuts permanent, furthermore he has been very authoritarian with surveillance and killed US citizens without due process
Jimmy Carter is liberal as fuck compared to Obama. Obama is just black and good at making speeches, he is actually very centrist
>Gay rights don't equal leftism
You'd struggle to find one fag that's not a far left Democrat.
But I already know who you are anyway. You're that sad, sorry SJW Finn who's parents were probably communists who wanted Finland to become a Soviet republic.
The DNC has been leftist since at least Woodrow Wilson desu.
>You'd struggle to find one fag that's not a far left Democrat
Well its hard to support a homophobic party if you're gay lol
You are really misunderstanding the left right political divide if you think its only about gay rights
btw, Carter thinks Jesus would like gay marriage, so your entire argument is based on literally nothing
huffingtonpost.com
Ah that's true and FDR had the proposed Second Bill of Rights which read like a document published in the Soviet Union.
Every last one of Obama's actions has been right out of the Marxist class warfare agenda. Turning blacks against whites, women against men, gay against straight, Muslim against Christian, etc, etc.
The funniest part of this joke is turkroaches thinking they're superior to kurds
Outsider/fringe groups are always leftist by nature. That's why Jews are left-wing in most countries until you drop them into Israel and they automatically become Sup Forumscore.
they are our bitch since 10 centuries or something. like you were being our bitch for 5-10 centuries subhuman diaspora.
>Polish were too poor for meat back the
No you're an idiot.
dont get it
>jokes thread becomes Sup Forums