*knock knock*

>*knock knock*
>"FBI, open the door!"

Your next step Sup Forums?

I'll take the Glock from my coffee table and shoot myself before they can arrest me.

I would open the door

I've got nothing to hide.

WTF is the FBI doing in Europe?

Ask Kim Dot Com, he got raided by them on kiwi land.

Then its Europol

you're implying that the FBI found me, it's not a valid statement

>Not ending this on a final stand defending your property
pussy

Why the fuck are you here again? It's only been a year or so.

Open the door

this

FBI? In Estonia?

>Opens the door
>"GET ON THE FLOOR!"
>Everyone walks the dinosaur

Whip out my dick :^)

>not calling me fucko

Our police is pretty shitty I would actually be scared of them stealing my pc to play counterstrike or watching porn at their job.

Pic related, officer stole solar panels from a public building and was carrying them back home.

Hurriedly put on my boxers while wiping pre-cum-stained hands on them.

Shit dude, in my country (Norway) at least they have to shroud their thievery and corruption in a fog of lies and plausible deniability.

it's hard for me to imagine any crime in Norway that's not committed by shitskin immigrants

...

I didn't order takeout.

I ask myself everytime some gringo is taken by them here.

>yell "I'm coming"
>use the bookcase I keep by the door precisely for these situations to barricade it
>backup my cryptocoin private keys by first encrypting them with a symmetric key and then printing the encrypted keys as QR codes on a sheet of paper
>save this paper
>proceed to degauss all my hard drives
>set all my documents on fire so they have no clue who I really am
>call my lawyer and have him come immediately
>by now they have gotten in
>just comply but never say a word

I'd worry about what's on my computer before realising there really isn't anything illegal. My biggest worry would be the temp files from browsing here and one dicktonne of pirated movies.

"Guys id love to help, but there's a bomb on my door. It looks pretty big too, better not touch the doorknob..."

> hurredly deletes

That is not the right order, but i ftfy:
>yell "I'm coming"
>use the bookcase I keep by the door precisely for these situations to barricade it
>backup my cryptocoin private keys by first encrypting them with a symmetric key and then printing the encrypted keys as QR codes on a sheet of paper
>by now they have gotten in
>save this paper
>proceed to degauss all my hard drives
>set all my documents on fire so they have no clue who I really am
>call my lawyer and have him come immediately
>just comply but never say a word
>they think you are autistic since you didn't notice them the whole time

I own many heavy books.

Got a good laugh out of this. Who names their bay after vagina? Hahaha

Call the cops and tell them that there's a bunch of armed terrorists larping as a foreign security service outside my house.

>*knock knock*
>"this is FSB, open door NOW!"

how fucked are you?

They don't ask you to open the door

Nice come in!
Is that a VSS?!?!
Dude try on my kevlar and do a pose! Hold it like an operator!
Can you sign my 1911?

This, even if you have anything to hide taking longer would just make them suspicious and result in a longer search.

>hack their communications devices and send a feedback loop into their headset
>remotely trigger their gun, causing controlled chaos
>all this without looking up
>i get up and slide an EMP under the door to finish things off
>"heh, time to make my escape"
>press a button on the underside of my case
>a van rises from my floor and a custom mechanism loads everything important into it
>"well, what kid said i was unprepared?"
>drive through the front door, truly cleaning up the worthless FBI agents
>disable all federal vehicles in the country to make my escape from the server rack in the back of the van
>flee to hiding place in mexico in preparation for international flight to antartica, to meet with the remnants of the third reich underneath the ice sheets

Unsheathe my katana and whisper a request for forgiveness from my master before teleporting in their midst and turning the hallway into a scene from The Shining.

Duh.

I don't have pants on and the disruption would probably affect my life, but I don't think I have anything illegal in my possesion.

>"coming!"
>rip out the flashdrive which contains my 128-bit encryption key.
>this immediately locks everything down
>throw the flashdrive in the microwave
>go to open the door
they search my house but find nothing illegal, so they take my useless harddrives with them
>fly to my offsite backup in bangladesh
>make a new flashdrive from memory
>all of my data is back
heh. good try, better luck next time.

Why do east europe police use welder helmet?

>thinking anyone would bother raiding you over pirated films, unless you were the one maintaining the site/servers

do you have Kevlar on your face?

those are bullet proof helmets. The mostly work with low caliber weapons but I think it's like SAS gas masks, a psychological weapon.

Hit the giant red button that ignites bricks of thermite placed on top of my computers

>killing people who are doing their job

faggotry

>Throw laptop in backpack
>Run out the backyard throw backpack in a bush somewhere before they catch me

You're implying they're not there anyways and about to breach your door

>we're just doing our job, sir

Do you chastise soldiers for fighting enemy combatants?

...

get nekkid

> check microwave
> see flash drive
> detain you indefinitely
Nice going

I would if I was the enemy combatant that didn't know he was suddenly an enemy combatant

Thank god officer! I called for you because i found OP being a faggot again!

> he thinks the FBI didn't plan for that
The mind of a brainlet everyone

Wonder what the FBI is doing in a non-third world country, for one.

>Not using a 4096 bit encryption key.
Amateur.

>Doesn't know about the early days of black metal

256-bit Ed25519 > 4096-bit RSA

No they gas you through the ventilation system.

Can you guys tell me the address that was given to you? this city is an absolute chaos when talking about street names and i bet you're after one of the Paulo Maluf houses in this hellhole.

Ask to see the warrant.

they cant convict me if I drag the loli folder into the trash can

>"coming!"
>if I'm doing anything "sensitive", power down the system and swallow the bootable encrypted microSD
>if not, the microSD will be thoroughly hidden
>open door

They raid my place, probably take some computers. No evidence exists on them, and I buy a laptop off of craigslist in the meantime since I have offsite backups.

Plot twist: FBI sells you a bugged laptop through Craigslist and end up catching you.

Then you're delusional, as expected of a Sup Forumsnigger.

Easier to just bug my house.

They're not going to waste high-tech toys on you unless you're operating the silk road or a foreign agent.

Oh noo they are going to find my wallpapers!!

They could very well have the wrong address. Use your brain user.

kek

More like
>struggle with the bookcase since you're a weak neckbeard
>they hear you moving heavy shit and bust open the door
>they see you trying to light your documents on fire
>get shot down

"Fanny" can also mean "fantail", the back part of a ship.

>user swallow his microsd
>starts choking
>FBI busts in, handcuffs him
>he dies on the ground

A few months ago tons of Usenet site owners in Germany got raided. For some it's unknown if they even are the owners and not just visitors.
Depends on your country, piracy in Germany and UK is treated harsher than sexual crimes really

These threads are specifically so autistic people can write some dumb power fantasy """ironically""" so they can seem like le cool hackerman and feel better about their own worthless lives that will never be exciting enough for the FBI to come after them.

oops was also meant for

>cops call
>claim they want to arrest me
>they actually want my cousin with the same name
>his phone number is not published
>they believe me
>tfw

idk probably shoot myself before they can find all my embarrassing source code that I never let anybody read

wtf is FBI doing in a 3rd world shithole ?

Flush my weed and invite them in

yell i'm coming
release detachable room with hundreds of balloons
parachute out with my motorcycle/skateboard
pretend to be an immigrant and flee to canada
get free stuff

>mount my drone to my head
>fly out the window

pray they can't decrypt my things...

>Implying the cops aren't two steps ahead of you on this technology.
>You are pursued in the air to the ends of the earth

Say "Uhh, no one's home!" That'll stump them.

Legitimate questions: how do they access anything on your computer if you just shut it down?

It's ok user. Trying is half the way to success.

Your computer stores information on the hard drive. Are you retarded?

dd if=/dev/urandom of=/dev/sda

Get the fuck out of my country.
>Slam door

Memes aside, is there any way to defend against this?

I didn't order a cheese pizza. Go away.

Doesn't mean they've got nothing to find, or nothing to plant.

No, if the FBI is at your door they have evidence, warrants, etc.

Hey user mind giving me some pics of your butthole?

They have enough to justify a search, not necessarily enough to justify a conviction. Also, they may have the wrong address.

They MAY have.
It can just be a fishing expedition.

hidden escape way while you remotely blast the shit out of the strobe lights and smoke bombs placed all over inside and outside the house.

That's true. But if you ask for the warrant, verify the address is indeed yours, there's really not much to do especially if they have a squad right there. Much like one should not talk to the police, do not talk to the FBI. Get a lawyer

They should have been reprimanded for lack of efficiency

>2011+7
>not hiding your electronics in the walls