ITT: Post the worst music review you've seen

ITT: Post the worst music review you've seen

Other urls found in this thread:

rateyourmusic.com/review?id=54242253
tinymixtapes.com/music-review/sophie-product
deathmetal.org/bands/suffocation/suffocation-effigy_of_the_forgotten/
rateyourmusic.com/collection/boldfaure/rating78529712
theguardian.com/music/2014/jul/02/nick-cave-interview-jack-barron-rocks-backpages
twitter.com/NSFWRedditGif

So an RYM review thread?

When I go on RYM I can't see the favorites anymore, is this an older screenshot?

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I despise self-pity.

I just have no time for it. It adds nothing, it helps nobody - in fact, if anything it slows things down - and it trivializes the sufferings (and achievements) of the rest of the world. Being sad is easier than being happy; whispering is easier than singing; shuffles are easier than hooks; vague, sulky irony is easier than truth. FIGHT, YOU FUCKING MORONS! DON'T GO GENTLY INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT! EVEN IF YOU FAIL, AT LEAST YOU CAN FUCKIN' FIGHT! LAZY MUSIC! BORING MUSIC! THIS IS NOT A LANGUAGE!

Yeah, I kinda let loose for a second there. But I'm not taking it back, because Either/Or is a pathetic album. Not in the sense of being particularly bad - at worst, it's just ignorable, and at best it's mildly but forgettably tuneful - but in the sense of being, well, pathetic. There's something about the thin acoustic guitar moving indifferently over Smith's frail, malnourished, oh-so-very-earnest voice that I find incredibly pitiful...and yet it's not pitiful enough to elicit my sympathy, because the music is so plainly unremarkable about the feelings I'm supposed to be receiving. There's no projection with Elliott Smith; I never feel like I'm getting the full story, because he's too vague to cut right to the heart of things. Like, I was never that big of a Nirvana fan, but it's hard to deny that Kurt Cobain at least seemed to sing and write with his heart and his soul. Elliott Smith may've had a heart, but he never hinted at a soul.

this is an excerpt from an RYM review, there's more to it though.

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How about we post ridiculous negative reviews of albums and guess what they are? I'll start

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Age of Adz?

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Wow i need to find the rest

top kek

IT'S NOT EVEN 'THE DEAD KENNEDYS' YOU PIECE OF SHIT IT'S JUST 'DEAD KENNEDYS'

This offends me more than it really should

Is it bad that this made me chuckle?

rateyourmusic.com/review?id=54242253

correct

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Are you offended famalam? Do you unironically listen to wuss rock?

I was offended by how cringeworthy the review was, so yes.

tinymixtapes.com/music-review/sophie-product and yes I know it's about commercialism but it's still the worst review I've ever seen

*then

No, I think I was right the first time.

ouch

found this on a review for The Lonesome Crowded West

What's this?

Out of all that list he mentioned the only good album is Remain in Light.

What album?

I cried when they shot Mr. Kennedy
As though I'd lost a father of mine
But Malcolm X got what was coming
He got what he asked for this time
So love me, love me, love me, I'm a liberal

the photo
sorry I worded weird

>i listen to real manrock only

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marsbars review of Unknown Pleasures

"Starfuckers, Inc." That's pretty much all I have to say in criticism of this album. That sums it right up. Do you or don't you want to own an album with a song called "Starfuckers, Inc?" Besides the snickering potty- mouthed title, it's one of the most blatantly hypocritical attacks ever put to tape. It's a widely- publicized attack on Marilyn Manson. There are several lyrical references to the gangly idiot such as "I'm one of the beautiful ones" and "My god pouts on the cover of a magazine." And how are these jabs delivered? Why, in a song which sounds exactly like Marilyn Manson (and also borrows from Carly Simon), by a man who pouts on the cover of Rolling Stone, Alternative Press, Spin, etc.

In essence, Reznor is Marilyn Manson without the makeup (which is a bit like Kiss without the makeup). The Fragile is simply Music for 'The Elder for the digital age. I take comfort knowing that the passing of another decade will make this record seem as amusingly insincere as 10CC.

A classic.

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Mojo Priest by Steven Seagal

i hate weeaboos with a passion

I don't even know what I don't know.

i'd rather be a "death grips person" than this fucking asshat, what a dumbass

>TheHorbGorbler

Holy fucking shit that almost broke my screen. So fucking fedora paired with shit taste.

LAWRENCE

Does using RYM just magically turn people into raving schizophrenics?

These fags are why Fishmans became a meme. Fuck them.

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I'd love to see the butthurt death grips fans cyberbully this cunt lol

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>Not liking In Rainbows and Blackstar

Total pleb

we should have a descriptor for horb

>trannythatdoesn'tdeservehumancompassion-core

Why does this person willfully type like a diseased, retarded child? Has human rejection made its mind bend until it decided to be as unlikable as humanly possible?

I've never legitimately wished death on someone before now

i went kind of overboard lol, this shit really pissed me off for some reason. IDK what it is, I have no issues when people say my favorite band or artist sucks but there's something just so fucking annoying about the way this person types and communicates. I think if I met somebody like this IRL i'd probably punch them

anything by montie tbqh

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Reminder that Montie loved Frankie Sinatra when it was released and only started to hate it to fit in.

Bigger reminder that originally it was only the top half, then I published my review which got a lot of favorites, and so he wrote that shitty "critique" at the bottom as a "retort."

This is a decent review you melon

That's pretty par for the course for an iTunes review

Are you fucking kidding me

Go back to >/r/

>I published my review
>so he wrote
what

even then that 15 years still sounds stupid and immature which fits perfectly in this thread

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For those of you who haven't heard of a guy called Prozak...
deathmetal.org/bands/suffocation/suffocation-effigy_of_the_forgotten/
>To facilitate the structural support within these complex and multidirectional riffs, Suffocation use many strum techniques with fast scale patterns to hold riffs in place and then slide them into the omnipotent rhythms. Like thrash, each song starts on a simple contrarian rhythm and works it through its positions until concluding with an iteration of its power; like speed metal, each song follows a narrative structure with frequent variations and modulations of idea; like death metal it is architecture of correlated intricacy from the notes of every riff to the subliminal rhythms behind the erratic, epileptic, insectoid guitar solos.
>For death metal at the time this release demonstrated the future of iterated percussive interpretation of song themes, and pointed toward future use of rhythm where death and grind's monotonous tonal structures had become limited as containers. Its innovation and spirit have earned it a place among the classics as an undisputed invention and advancement to the genre.

Keep in mind that this is a review for caveman death metal. I mean, when you think about them, his reviews actually make sense, but he notoriously described things in the most obtuse, roundabout way.

What's bad about the review other than
>AMSP was not good and this review says it is good so it is a bad review

His Figure 8 one is almost even worse lmao

How do you get so mad about one musician like not only is he just flat out wrong but it's so spiteful chill out man

My review: rateyourmusic.com/collection/boldfaure/rating78529712

You can see him deliberately try and fail to retort it.

It's totally surface level, you can tell it's a fanboy.

>see also: Swans
Never forget that TheHorbgorbler was literally gleeful about the Gira rape accusations because they don't like his music

I despise self-pity.

I just have no time for it. It adds nothing, it helps nobody - in fact, if anything it slows things down - and it trivializes the sufferings (and achievements) of the rest of the world. Being sad is easier than being happy; whispering is easier than singing; shuffles are easier than hooks; vague, sulky irony is easier than truth. FIGHT, YOU FUCKING MORONS! DON'T GO GENTLY INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT! EVEN IF YOU FAIL, AT LEAST YOU CAN FUCKIN' FIGHT! LAZY MUSIC! BORING MUSIC! THIS IS NOT A LANGUAGE!

Yeah, I kinda let loose for a second there. But I'm not taking it back, because Either/Or is a pathetic album. Not in the sense of being particularly bad - at worst, it's just ignorable, and at best it's mildly but forgettably tuneful - but in the sense of being, well, pathetic. There's something about the thin acoustic guitar moving indifferently over Smith's frail, malnourished, oh-so-very-earnest voice that I find incredibly pitiful...and yet it's not pitiful enough to elicit my sympathy, because the music is so plainly unremarkable about the feelings I'm supposed to be receiving. There's no projection with Elliott Smith; I never feel like I'm getting the full story, because he's too vague to cut right to the heart of things. Like, I was never that big of a Nirvana fan, but it's hard to deny that Kurt Cobain at least seemed to sing and write with his heart and his soul. Elliott Smith may've had a heart, but he never hinted at a soul.

i mean i can see both of your points but i do think i lean more toward you because i definitely have a bias against montie and that is a pretty cool fact about the album and the song

also i thought they were still a trio since the only reason one member didn't get to primavera was because of passport issues

Again, it's not like Smith's music is bad (although the clunky beat of "Pictures of Me" that sounds like it's a half-beat too fast for Smith's 'singing' comes close), and I daresay Either/Or, up against its deadly dull competition, offers up more momentary pleasures (key word: momentary) than any of Smith's other albums. I like the awkward pause followed by a sad, gentle nudge forward in "Alameda" when he sings 'for one or two...minutes she liked you'; I like the drum fills in "Speed Trials" (even though they're pasted into the song poorly; fragmented), and the way he sings the word 'sockets' is pretty disturbing. The electric guitar lines in "Cupid's Trick" portend something serious if not important. "Rose Parade" and "Say Yes" are tuneful, and the line about tripping over a dog's choke-chain in the former, though ironic, is at least ghoulishly ironic.

>reddit: the review

Mostly, though, this music is unremarkable, imbued with significance by lazy Gen-Xers and their impressionable followers, simply because they care more about the story than about the music. Y'see, Elliott Smith was a tormented guy whose life would make a dramatic biopic, so by extension his music must be poignant too — that's the logic. (This is the same lazy and backhandedly cynical thinking that turned Daniel Johnston into a cult figure.) Certainly I've never seen any write-up about the guy that's ever come close to ringing true about why Smith's music stands out from all the other bullshit agoraphobic modern indie, and every time I see someone lazily throw out Smith's name as an example of a 'great melodist,' I just feel embarrassed for everyone involved. Thing is, Smith isn't 'fucking up the simplest lines,' as he sings whispers in one song, because he doesn't have the balls to be truly ragged and off-the-cuff. No, no — these songs are supposed to signify, but not with any immediacy; they're practiced and rehearsed and carefully written. Problem is, they still weren't worth writing in the first place; you end up straining to make out lyrics that end up not being worth the trouble. I remember first hearing him sing about the cathedral with its 'glass stained black' in "Speed Trials" and thinking to myself, 'Of course. Of course it's black. What else was it gonna be in this guy's hands?'

>also i thought they were still a trio since the only reason one member didn't get to primavera was because of passport issues
From what I heard one of them left in the nought's.
Also why only 2 were in the interview yeah?

I try not to think about that review often because it's so absurd but when I do it just makes me sad that Elliott's music is so clearly wasted on people like that

yes he really hates elliott smith, it's pretty intense

that's not even the worst one lol
>Anywho, I've already covered my thoughts on why Elliott Smith's music and all its impressionable, mopey followers are beneath contempt in my Either/Or review
seriously, he's so angry about elliott smith for some reason that he thinks his fans are "beneath contempt" all the while lambasting them for taking things too seriously. it's a shame because he's usually a good writer.

Those two reviews kind of sum up everything that I hate about RYM and its community

Who the fuck does he think he is to act like his contrarian opinion is truth and literally everyone who disagrees with him is "beneath contempt"? It's so pretentious it makes me gag

MY nigga

yup I totally agree, then when he goes on a massive rant on the either/or page about how depression is easier than being happy or some bullshit it really pisses me off in a genuine way, like it's just so utterly ignorant and aggressive over something so petty then he's like YEAH HIT ME UP WHAT'VE U GOT TA LOSE INDIE COWARDS!!!!

this guy's entire review section is him raving about hipsters, it's hilarious

whoops

He's just a plain awful person with a single good quality. He writes well. Aside from that he's an obnoxious conceited cunt.

>HP Lowecraft

What amazes me is that he's actually popular on RYM, so much so that people like marsbars basically do the exact same style of posting/reviewing. They're really unfriendly people.

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Jesus Christ, how can one man write so much inane bullshit?

who are you talking about?

I even went out of my way to find negative reviews of his for albums that I also didn't like -- and you know what? He's still an annoying pain in the ass

How I imagine every fan of this album

I even went further out of my way to find positive reviews of his for albums I also liked -- and you know what? He's still an annoying pain in the ass

>reviewing music

I hope you hacks stay the fuck away from journalism. Not only is it useless by way of the easy dissemination of media, it really offers no additive to the enjoyment of the music.

Basically if youre are trying to be a music journalist, kys or get a real job

>get a real job
But these stupid fucks aren't even being paid to write all this. That's the worst part

Here's a classic back when rock journalism was truly full of itself, with a certain perspective, with reason.

theguardian.com/music/2014/jul/02/nick-cave-interview-jack-barron-rocks-backpages

Unexpectedly hilarious.
>what the heck, man
>1 out of 97 people found this review helpful.

It can be helpful for the person reviewing so that they can get their thoughts down on a piece.

Famed RYM reviewer, anti-depressed people activist, gold medal self-fellater, and all-around insufferable prick limedIbagels.