Songwriting General

Post and share ideas that could be used as fuel for great songs, right now I'm working on one where it uses a drug metaphor to describe a girl, as in I'm calling her my addiction and because she's my drug of choice, what do you think?

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youtu.be/cN7kMTxkfPQ?t=1790
twitter.com/SFWRedditVideos

cheesy as fuck

Too on the nose, it could be good depending on how it's presented.

walking in on your wife with another man, then jerking off because you're a cuck

that sounds like a worthless idea
you better be a staggering songwriter to pull that tired shit off

Mr. Brightside?

Let's rate each other's song lyrics, I'll go first.

Stuck in this rat race
with the rest of my kind
Where we keep the wheels spinning
To get our bread in different lines

A nine to five is great
if such a life you choose
there is much they stand to gain
in the life you stand to lose

So keep the wheel spinning
For the carrot must be chased
Arrive ahead of time
Just to end up staying late
The little things that kill you
By suit and tie we can replace
So let sickness be the gift
For what your health did help create

I like them. I'm usually not a fan of direct stuff like that, but it's not overbearing. I could see it as a punk song of some sort. 7/10

Mine:
I am not here like I've wanted to be
You are not my winter sister, what happened to our family?
Could we stay inside long enough to hear cracks in your voice?
I am not your son, we are not coming o'er

I am on my own, I've been away for far too long
And I've tried crawling away but I can't make it past my lawn
Do you think we are enough to make it through this room?
I am not trying to keep you, I will see you soon

I could hear refineries coming through my own debris
And we could glide through angel dust over a frozen city
But I could hear the cracks in your voice, it's magnetized to my mind
It's pulling my brains inside out, I don't think we have the time

>Rat race
>Bread
>Carrot as in carrot on a stick

I'm iffy on these lyrics. I like them and those things could work in certain contexts but you had a metaphor for bread and rat races and then used a carrot on a stick metaphor which is synonymous with donkeys. Kind of clumsy if you ask me, I mean this constructively, maybe others would disagree. The rat race is a wonderful songwriting topic and I appreciate a direct style but I just think it could have been written better.

Thanks, user. I've never really been into punk so that's interesting haha. What did you mean by direct stuff though? Too on the nose?

If I were the audience I think it would be difficult for me to understand the message conveyed. I do think the imagery is nice however. I began to picture frozen winter and the refineries of a big city. Winter sister might've been a Sufjan reference too. A little wordy in some areas, but that's an easy fix. And imagery is good.

6.5/10

>Rat race
Our collective existence. The wheels we spin are the different jobs we work.
>Bread
And though our work ethic might be the same, paychecks don't always reflect it.
>Carrot
Inclined to agree. I was thinking of greyhound's at a track chasing the rabbit, which I know now isn't a carrot. The way we might chase dreams, or have ambitions for success.

I appreciate what you've said though.

Here's an unfinished song that I've had for a while. Will hopefully get around to completing it.

You never think
to bring a spare battery
for the search light, it always shined
all through the night, oh what a sight.

The sinking ship, and its marines
all looked like glass figurines
the sun shined down onto the bay
the captain said "when did the night turn to day?"

They all jumped off the burning boat
they were surprised, they could not float.
They screamed like birds, who'd lost their wings.
Those on the shore, could only sing
about the tide, and rolling waves.
"there's nothing left for us to save"
The mast now fell out of their sight,
the children yelled, the parents sighed.
They brought them close, said "listen please"
"That's why you don't go out to sea"

I'll be honest, not a huge fan of this as a whole. There are some nice lines and turns of phrases but the bigger theme is just kinda lame high school diary type stuff. There are less obvious ways to discuss life as a banal routine.
These could be really nice under the right context. Some of the imagery seems awkwardly phrased. Maybe a bit opaque as a whole but I generally don't mind that anyways.

How about an overly complicated instrumental song where every note is staccato, the song starts out pianissimo, and there is a gradual crescendo throughout the entire song, with the final note being played fortissimo. And the song is 10 minutes long.

>You are not my winter sister
>I am not your son
Yeah I'm not getting this.

>I am on my own, I've been away far too long
>And I've tried crawling away but I can't make it past my lawn
Excellent

>I could hear refineries coming my own debris
Here's where I take issue, every line of this contains a pronoun, mostly I.
>I, I've
>You, my, our
>We, your
>I, your, we

>I, my, I've
>I've, I, my
>You, we
>I, you, I, you

>I, my
>we
>I, your
>It's, My, I, we

That's a shitload of pronouns. It creates a rhythm to your work but possibly not a desirable one. I can appreciate the rhythm of constant pronouns but yours just seems unintentional in a bad way. I'm sorry if this sounds critical but this writing is pretty boring.

So back to your "debris" line. I think that line would be SO much better with a simple edit.
>I could hear refineries coming through the debris
I know my own is what makes it personal, but you also have to understand rhythm of words and personally I think the sounds better in context than my own, especially after that pronoun onslaught.

>we glide through angel dust over a frozen city
Lots of syllables here, just "glide through dust" would have functioned fine. This is an awkward line t b h.

>Cracks in your voice, magnetized etc etc
>It's pulling my brains inside out, I don't think we have the time

I just don't like this for some reason. There is way too many words here imo, but that could be chalked up to personal taste. The thing is, you don't use your many syllables to play with the rhythm of the word or have any sort of assonance or alliteration or anything of that sort to give it a little flavor. This is fine when you have lines like the "crawling away but I can't make it past my lawn" which is brilliant (and a little bit of flow in crawling, lawn, away and make, I and my), but when you have these big blocks of text that create imagery it functions better when the words flow.

6/10
sounds just a little forced but pretty good none the less
8/10
if this were a book id read it.

heres mine.

was an early morning i left port
with the weather on my tail
ol' lady told me not to go
but there was wind up in my sail.
gibe ho, gibe ho
the morning passed so quickly
the squaw line did approach
cruisin just about 15 knots
wasnt enough to reach the coast
gibe ho, gibe ho
12 ft. swells, well maybe 15
was too much for the boat
water started pouring in
to much to stay afloat
gibe ho, gibe ho
my little sloop didnt make it
she came to meet her end
i looked up to that cold black sky
what a nice day for a swim
gibe ho, gibe ho

i do folk songs... this is a nautical one im working on

I know the rate race metaphor as well as bread, I just think when you set up the first four lines as a "rat race" theme then deviate to carrots on sticks you end up with clumsiness. Just my take. The bread thing worked fine but then you threw carrots in and it just seemed to make the metaphor less poignant. However, it still works. Not trying to be a dick or anything.

Had me until
>all through the night, oh what a sight

Had me until
>when did the night turn to day

Holy shit user, you have an EXCELLENT knack for starting incredibly strong and reeling a reader in but I just think those last lines on both quatrains were generic as fuck. "The captain said" is such a brilliant way to start but then that generic ass line after.

The rest reads like a poem story from the 1700s about sea life. If that's what you were going for great but yeah. I think you grasp writing lyrics better than the others who have posted, but if you just switched the formula a little bit you'd be in good songwriter territory. Like if the captain had said something a little less basic and more "you" and your voice it would have been great.

i dig this, though it started out a little off the second half was excellent

bix nood, look at my shoes
blame the jews, two times two
peanus weanus peanus weeth
caves of flesh and rocks of teeth

How do you like this Goosebumps inspired song I've been working on:
Flickering candle light in the dark room
Whispering phantom sightings starting late June
Mirror no reflection, howling at the blood moon
Running past street lamps, freezing beaches, summer camps
Read the headlines, fear the nighttime
Something's lurking, tossing, turning
Claws on the walls and lifelike dolls
Painted eyes follow as you walk down hallowed halls

Thank you for the thoughts. To be honest I don't really see how the captain line is that bad or anything. Sort of just there to address the literal change in setting, but it's whatever. And yeah I wasn't necessarily going for some kind of sea shanty thing, was just a random little scene that came together when I wrote it. I get how it still may seem kinda corny or anachronistic but oh well.

>listen please
>ThAt'S wHy yOu DoN't gO oUt tO sEa

They brought them close, said "now you see"
From the grasp of these tides, no son of man free

I know what you're saying, user. And I agree with what you said. I didn't think you were a dick.

make a song about porn thats actually a metaphor for the effects of chemtrails on humans. cum = chemtrails

If you can get it to sound like The Cure it can be great.

Tried my hand at writing something a while ago, might not be total shite.

I can figure this out myself
I can pick up the pieces
Shattered metaphors
And the words written

Memento mori
Leaves scatter to the wind
Memento mori
Death by my own fragility

Requiem for the death of an ego
The beliefs I once held long gone
Paranoia, anxiety, fear
Life consumed by the words

Memento mori
I have nothing to hold on to
Memento mori
Life's a gale cutting me through

Repeat, repeat the process
I struggle to collect my thoughts
Louder than loud, darker than black
I go through tear, split, rip apart for nought

Memento mori
I don't want to throw it away
Memento mori
My emotions have gone astray

Leaves scatter to the wind
I have nothing to hold on to
Death by my own fragility
Life's a gale cutting me through
I don't want to throw it away
My emotions have gone astray once again

I mean, I guess that does sound more eloquent, but I'm writing what the parents literally said to the children. Your line seems to give it a bit more weight than I would want it to have. I view them more as just opportunistically using the experience to scare their kids from doing dangerous shit, not them trying to make some lofty comment on the sea itself.

Also, obviously this wouldn't come through just the lyrics, but what I wrote works well with the melody, so I think I'm pretty set on that. Thanks for the suggestion though.

I wish that I could send you a good morning text
To tell you that I love you and I wish you the best

Sunday's we'd save for church
Cause we're sinners like the rest
To earn the Lord's forgiveness
For an hour at best

Late nights with TV screen
The sounds of pale blue light
You and me, we fell asleep
And shared each other's dream

I found myself again
Under the same blue light
And I was quiet for a while
Hoping that I'd dream
Of us lying close together
Here and now, you and me

Whadaya think:

One day
Crossin’ the road
I saw a cat
The weirdest goddamn cat
You’ve ever seen
One white leg
The other three black
And it spoke with a cusp
And a snarl, and a wizened snide
And it said
It said to me
“Ya gotta”
“Ya gotta”
“Keep”
“Move”
“Movin’ on”
I got over
To the other side of the road
And now
Every time
I cross a road
I think
Of that
Goddamn weird cat
To keep—

song's already out by the way: youtu.be/cN7kMTxkfPQ?t=1790

i let you borrow my mind but what i got in exchange,
was an empty heart and a pocket full of lose change,
sold my toys and games to pay for my entry to race,
to reach end of this forsaken time and lost place,
I just dropped in to see how you were doing,
But I'm not sure well am i'm with this constant stewing,
about everything but it's nothing i assure you i'm fine,
as long as i'm able to walk the line,
between comedy and tragedy success and demise,
it's the constant uncertainty that i bitterly despise,
of unknown place or position,
this seems but another rendition,
though this one i seem to be enjoying just alright,
is this the bitter pill to end the dreary nights

Out of the fryer, and into the dark
Rays on the mountains, frost on the bark
And hark, hear the angels sing
Bring the sun
Bring back the sun

And her breath, it smells like spring
Leather and grease, oil and blood
And there's no time for failing
Bring back the sun
Bring the sun

And in her dusty wake
Let the whole goddamn city wake
Because you can't find tomorrow in a cotton lake
So we bring back the sun
Bring back the sun

The night is cold, the tank is halfway done
Baby it's all uphill from here to kingdom come
The chariot heats up, and when it roars it runs
Bring back the sun
Bring back the sun

Bring back the sun
Bring back the sun

If I had the time to figure out everything thats wrong
I doubt id be happy anyway
They said put your words to a song
Maybe people can hum along
And at least you might help them with their day
Hey they might like it enough to come see you they say

But when it come right down to it in the end
They bring you in close and say, “listen friend, shut the fuck up with all that whining”
They won’t invite you to any parties or ask you to play any shows
If all you ever seem to be doing is crying

So you tell you’re self you’re broken and theres no fixing
All these devils you’ve stuffed inside your head
So they tell you might as well get your kicks in
Before you decide maybe you’re better of dead

And when it come right down to it in the end
People will bring you in close and say, “listen friend, shut the fuck up with all that whining”
They won’t invite you to any parties or ask you to play any shows
If all you ever seem to be doing is crying

And so the carousels of bullshit that are your thoughts
Run on and on and on and on again without end
the darkness starts to close in on your vision
As the panic robs you of your sight again

Now you might have friends
or you could be lonely
What ever drug you can inject
It doesn’t matter as long as you’re happy
But it doesn’t really matter, cause the point I’m trying to make
Is as long as you can see things better than me

But when it come right down to it in the end
Loved ones will bring you in close and say, “listen, shut the fuck up with all that whining”
They won’t invite you to any parties or ask you to play any shows
If all you ever seem to be doing is crying
Like a baby
No they’ll leave you at home where you belong

It's not a poem nigger

Not really, but he hs provided us with the best post ITT.

bad

Rosie
Come down and get the door for me
I'm drunk again
Remember when we used to be?

Rosie
I know you said no more for me
But that was all before this dream that just came to me

Don't leave me here
Under the January rain
Come let me in
Take my heart by the hand
And lead me back to your room
And sing me your tune

I hoped you wouldn't get this far
I've never been a gifted tounge
These words come fourth but not from me
But from the storm that followed

These scripts that work on all our lives
Their devil's work is never done
They twist and leave us high and dry
What a bitter curse to swallow

Lovely, how so lovely
The dance we dance we've known since we were young
Slowly, oh so carefully
We twist and turn and pull until our job is done

And when the heavy curtains rise
I saw the specter in your eyes
The satan casts his fi'ry sear
And leaves us dumb and terr'bly blind

Lovely, how so lovely
The way you twirl against the deadman's heavy yarn
Loved thee, how I loved thee
We porcelain dolls ought to keep ourselves away from harm

>all these shitty fucking lyrics

So THIS is why rock is dead. That explains it. Thanks, Sup Forums!

Yeah rock is dead because a bunch of random nobodies on Sup Forums can't write good lyrics.

Great assessment buddy.

Right now I'm trying to write a concept album about cool/important people who's stories I think need to be told

Rock is dead (dying?) because sonically and lyrically everyone's stuck in the same fucking rut.

>oh, oh, let's revive a raw, grungy style from the 90's!
>oh, oh, let's do an electronic piece with heavy 80's influences!
>oh, oh, let's make a song about how hard it is to be a suburban white boy with a crush on the cute grill on the bus!!
>oh, oh, let's make a song about how I'm, like, so depressed all the time and my friends suck!

It's the same fucking shit we've been hearing for over a decade now, and nobody gives a fuck anymore.

Rate my lyrics:

Where were you when I needed you
Well you could not be found
What can I do, oh I believed in you
You're running me around
Well you can take it as a warning
Or take it anyway you like
It's the lightning, not the thunder
You never know where it's gonna strike

Our love's in jeopardy, baby, ooh
Our love's in jeopardy, baby, ooh

Don't be cute, don't be funny now
It's later than you think
Oh what's the use, save your money now
It's hanging on the brink
Don't let go while I'm hanging on
'Cause I've been hanging on so long
It's so hard to be all alone
I know you're not that strong, yeah, yeah

Our love's in jeopardy, baby, ooh
Our love's in jeopardy, baby, ooh

Don't let go while I'm hanging on
'Cause I've been hanging on so long
It's so hard to be all alone
I know you're not that strong, yeah, yeah

Dude normies don't give a fuck about whats been done and what hasn't, they just want to dance and be entertained. Rock musicians take themselves too seriously to do that anymore, but someone could definitely make rock music chart again. Just take whatever shit heap is on the Billboard top 10 right now and replace the synths with guitars, it would do just fine. Rock fans would be all "reee not real rock", but that's how you do it.

gimme feedback mew
something i'm working on

The morning comes up and offends you
Picking you up from the floor
The voice in your head sounding different
Not a regular here anymore
Still the calea blooms in September
And the kids all come out at the sight
The newspaper headlines read 'thunder'
And the dates are all right, the dates are all right

The babies all came out of peacetime
No famine no freezing just days
Born messenger, you were born reading
Brought comfort, spontaneous play
Now everything fits in a suitcase
You're looking for something to do
The soil was rich so you thank it
If there's dirt on your shoes, you got nothing to prove

these are great guys im stealing these cause i have no talent

alkaline trio?

which ones?

Wow those are good!

Words not to use in a song
>Kind
>bread
Trying too hard to be poetic ruins the poetry and removes the substance. You failed.
Shit analogy
Clean, sharp lyrics.
Try hard 3/10
First line, immediately trash. Stopped reading there. l2captivate probably a shit pop song.
7th grade writing class tier.

It's incredible that you talentless faggots have the ovaries to post this shit publicly.

Post yours so we we can laugh faggit

forreal, or at least an example of what you think are good lyrics

i know
i know my way
on a highway
in my head

stick round and i'mma bring you down
stick round and i'mma bring you down to the ground

what analogy are you referring to?

what about

as the sun fade away and the shadows do play
And the leaves seem to skitter merry
The shifting landscape plays as the birds sing if only to say,
“Fuck off we don’t need you, we’re busy”

So the sounds they swirl around you
endlessly howling
They never leave you or so they've said
But tomorrow is a new day or thats what they all say
Maybe then I can tell my thought that I don’t need them
They're like olympic swimmers, the demons in my head

The breeze though pleasant brings up more memories than it should
It’s not you’re fault, like will hunting, you’re good, you’re always right
And the heat and the length of the long summers day
I pray for night to come but i can't live without the light
But its the darkness that has always proved the friend to stay

So the sounds the swirl around you
And endlessly sounding
they'll never leave you alone or so they’ve said
But tomorrow is a new day or i guess that's what they'll say
Maybe then I can tell myself that I don’t need them
Theyve olympic swimmers, the demons in my head

If only you would stay to quiet these whispers the creep their way
Into everything around me each and every day
If only you would stay to quiet these whispers the creep there way
But they sing to me, are the me?
it seems they’re probably here to stay

Big blonde Joan, she gets hers on the road
With a spray and a tan, in leopard print pants
Feed the young, by feeling the old
Feed the young, by feeling the old

>it uses a drug metaphor to describe a girl, as in I'm calling her my addiction and because she's my drug of choice
Don't do it, this has been done a million times over. Despite being a stranger on the internet, I'm willing to bet that you're a lot more creative than that.

bad

>I thought my lyrics were good!
l2 take criticism, you bitch.
Zakk Wylde writes good lyrics. You write trash.
>batteries
>so deep

>posting your written lyrics, intended to be set to music, online
>ever

You people are pathetic

>Stuck in this rat race
>with the rest of my kind
>Where we keep the wheels spinning
>To get our bread in different lines
Awful. So cliche and corny that it made me cringe. Rat race? Bread lines? You're not a 30s folk artist and this has been done a hundred times over.

>A nine to five is great
Terrible. Toss this.

>if such a life you choose
>there is much they stand to gain
>in the life you stand to lose
I like these a lot. Just give this section a new opening line and you could make a strong statement with these.

The last verse is terrible with the exception of these 2 lines
>Arrive ahead of time
>Just to end up staying late

Work on not sounding cliche. Metaphors are great, but a lot of them have been beaten into the ground and no one takes them seriously anymore. Forgive me if I sound like a dick (drunk af) but you need to approach your lyrics from a poetic standpoint. Read some poetry (Wordsworth, Blake, Dante, Dickinson) and observe the way those poets bend the language to convey their work.

Here's a melody.

rate my trap rap guys

AY IM GETTING HEAD IN THE WHIP NIGGA
MY DICK BIGGER THAN A SHIP NIGGA
I PUT THAT SMOKE TO YA BRAIN
MY VENOMOUS RAPS GONNA LEAVE YA COLLAPSED
SMOKING DOPE I DONT NEED NO WRAP

>he wont post his because they're that bad.
lmao at your life m8

lol

You're so insecure that the only way you can react to honest criticism is by crying. Great stuff.
I don't have any new material at the moment. I'm waiting for a buddy to send me some guitar parts. But maybe I'll throw something together in the next five minutes that's less cringe worthy than what you probably took a week to write. Stay tuned.

Well, you're allowed dislike it but I'm honestly not getting why you think it's so shit. Just kind of used it as an example of forgetting to check up on things that seem like certainties. I guess that's an analogy, but I don't think it comes across as trying to be "so deep" but whatever dude.

It's bad. Too much imagery, too much association, and honestly just not well written. It' virtually identical to the trash middle school kids write. I get that you were trying to take it somewhere, but you failed. Take more than like 2 minutes to write a song, man.

I'll be waiting, chuckles.

>criticizes other's work without posting his own
>calls others "insecure"
ooh boy

>Tryhard 3/10
Could you go a bit more indepth with the criticism? Besides that, what are the redeeming bits of the failure (the 3 from 3/10)?

Not him but you posted your work with the intention of receiving criticism. That's the basis of this thread. He is under zero obligation to post anything of his own.

I haven't posted any work, I'm just lurking.
He's calling people insecure for requesting him to contribute his work as they have, but he wont because he's insecure about it. It's hypocritical.

Well, I disagree. I have a decent amount of songwriting experience and I think that one's not too shabby, I'll probably keep it around and tweak it a bit. I mean I think it's a pretty clear cut scene I'm writing about there, which is actually a good bit less vague than what I generally write but if that's you're impression then I can't change it.

And lmao I literally spend months on certain songs. It's fine if you don't like it but you don't have to make random assumptions like that.

That's been done too many times already

The story you're trying to tell isn't half bad, and the way you're going about it is pretty good. Simple and clean, not too much imagery, not overly poetic.
>live consumed by the words
was my least favorite line. That doesn't mean anything, especially since we as the audience can't relate to something as vague as, "the words."
People often make the easy mistake of chasing after words that are too powerful, like
>gale
Don't do shit like that, it's off putting. and the "memento mori," thing is an unnecessary personal charm that you didn't need to add. It's kind of gay.
To be honest, my initial reaction wasn't well justified. It's an alright piece.
see

>I have a good amount of experience spending months writing songs at a 5th grade level
How impressive. Your lyrics are pretty simple, but they're stupid and not well thought out. Try reading some real poetry to get a good idea of what it should sound like. Nothing special about your song.
Disagree all you want, but you suck man.

I have spent time studying poetry in university. I just write and record what are basically simple little pop folk songs, I don't know what more you expect. I don't really like using flowery language, so I don't know if the absence of that is what you're referring to when you say I write at that level. I think those lyrics more or less effectively communicate the idea I was trying to get across, and they work well with the rhythm/melody of the song, so in that sense I view it as a success. I'm not trying to be Bob Dylan here.

Look man I'm trying not to be whiny here or anything, I'm fine with negative criticism, but like you're just insulting me at this point. I guess I asked for it, but still.