Sup Forums night time comedy hour

Tell us a joke from your region. I think its very fascinating for all of us to see what people find funny in other countries.

Here is my joke. I have probably heard it thousands of times from hundreds of relatives friends, and I've also heard random people on the street telling their friends and family members the joke.

>A boy goes in for confession with a catholic priest

>He says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have had carnal sin with one of my classmates."

>The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

>"'Yes, Father, it is."

>"And who was the girl you were with?"

>"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli, the baker's daughter?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli, the police chief's daughter?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano, whose father owns the corner store?"

"My lips are sealed."

The priest, giving up, proceeded to absolve the boy of sins and sent him on his way

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Five good leads!"

>Tell us a joke.
my life.

Germany, please give us some jokes ITT

A gypsy walks into an Employment office and asks if they have any work for him. The guy behind the desk tells him that they have a lucrative management position with benefits, company car, no requirements, in-office fridge and a big tittied secretary who is partial to blowjobs. The gypsy says "You're kidding, right?" The guy says "Yeah, but you started it."

The bear was walking in the forest and saw a car which was on fire. He got in the car and burned to death.

amazing

Why the fuck dey got pastanigger names if you a yank

...

lol

But that's only 3 leads.

what's the fastest thing in the bush?
a maori with a maccas voucher

what's the second fastest thing in the bush?
the guy he stole it from

Is it a lottery ticket or an unemployment check?

Very russian

Yhea, your right. I'm hammered and I can't really count right now. Sorry.

sit down grandfather

no i am grandmother

A hedgehog was walking in the forest, forgot how to breathe and died. Then he remembered and continued walking.

because pastaniggers are steweotypical catholics in usa

My turn:

In the USA next to the Empire State Building there is a little bar. A man is sitting in there drinking something when suddenly another man comes rushing in.

"Quick quick bartender, give me a Red Bull"

he chugs down the red bull as fat as possible, cries "Red Bull gives you wings!" and runs outside, into the Empire State buiding. He goes all the way to the top, runs, and jumps off.

Pweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee pok
he just landed on his feet, doesn't have a scratch

He runs back into the bar, orders another red bull, chugs it down, cries "red bull gives you wings!" and runs back into the Empire State building. Back to the roof, runs, jumps...

Pweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee pok

Again on his feet like nothing happened. Again back into the bar to chug another red bull, this cycle repeats about 5 times more.

The other guy is watching this in amazement, and he decided to try it for himself. He orders a red bull, chugs it down, shouts "red bull gives you wings!", runs into the Empire State building, goes all the way to the top, there at first he hesitates but then he decides to do it, he runs and jumps....

Pweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee splotch

Dead. Completely splattered all over the pavement.

Inside the bar, the bartender says "You know, you're really an asshole when you're drunk, superman".

Walk bear in the forest, see a car on the fire, sit in her and fired up himself.

"Caesar" play in some theatre at west part of Azerbaijan.
Act I. A guy dressed in toga appears.
-I am Caesar.
End of act I.

Act II.
Two guys in toga appear.
-I am Caesar.
-I am Brutus.
End of act II.

Act III.
Three guys in toga appear.
-I am Caesar.
-I am Brutus.
-I am Brutus too.
-You too Brutus?
End of play.

>What do you call a dog with no hind legs and iron testicles?

>Sparky

gold

What do you think about the story about the bear who gets in a burning car inside a forest and dies?

Then he taught himself how to breathe through his ass, sat on a rock and died.

I posted it. It is a classic russian absurd joke.

The first thing, a bear in a forest, is nothing a special. The second, the burning car, is a bit unusual. The third is very unusual and weird. Why would the bear go into the burning car? The fourth thing, the death of the bear, is usual and logical again.

...

A man gets a job that requires him to stay all year in a lighthouse at sea, and one of the requirements is that he cannot leave, except once a year. The man takes the job and goes living in the lighthouse. Now after a year he finally can go outside, he goes to a bar and has a few drinks. He tells the bartender about himself and the requirement of his job, and after another few drinks he musters the courage to ask him if there are any prostitutes in the area, because you know, after a year...

Bartender says no, sorry, in fact there aren't even women living near here. But eh, there's Bob.

Guy says "no thanks, I'm not one of those" and goes back to his lighthouse.

Another year passes. The guy goes back to the bar, drinks a few beers, and asks if there are by now any prostitutes in the area. Again bartender says no, only Bob. Our guy says no, and goes back to his lighthouse.

Another year passes. He goes back to the bar, drinks, and by now his balls are really blue. Something has to happen. So he drinks a few and even a few more and tells the bartender, "listen buddy, I've decided to try Bob. But I don't want anyone ever to know about this. I'm not a homosexual, I'm just frustrated like hell after three years".

"Well," the bartender says, "only about 4 or 5 men will know about it."

"what? why?"

"It takes that much force to hold him down. Bob is also not a homosexual"

There was a man who lived very simple life, worked day and night and tried to feed his children. He was deeply religious and always prayed to god that he would let him win a lottery and secure good life for his children. But his prayer was never answerred.
One day that man took of the road and by foot he reached the place where Moses talked to God.
He climbed up the mountain, kneeled down and prayed.
-Lord, please, let me win in a lottery. I beg you. I will not spend a coin from that money for myself, only to make sure my children have everything they need.
Suddenly the sky darkened, lightnings come to the ground and a loud voice came from the sky.
-Buy a ticket already, you moron.

A pole a german and a russian end up in hell and are standing in front of lucifer himself.
The devil says, that he will give them a chance to redeem themselves and get sent back to life if they will perform something that will suprise him with 2 little metal balls.

First to try his luck is the russian, he throws one of the balls in the air and hits it with the other one mid fllight.
The devil yawns, and sends the russian to the fire.

Second is the german, he places one ball on the ground and carefully balances the other one on top of it.
The devil yawns again, and sends him too to the fire.

Finally comes the poles turn, the devil yawns and says what did you come up with?
The pole answers, that he broke ball one and lost the other.

Ba dum tss.

German pole and russian are travelling through the desert, and they're very tired.
Suddenly they see a two humped camel.
They catch it, and the pole jump on it and sits on the first hump
The german also jumps onto the camel and sits on the second hump
The russian asks, hey! where am i supposed to sit?
The pole lifts the camels tail and replies, sasha you're going into the cabin

>Why would the bear go into the burning car?
To burn?

We have the version of the first joke where it is the russian who broke and lost the ball. Fucking self-deprecating slavs.

An anecdote about endless kindness of comrade Stalin.
A little girl ask Stalin
- Good uncle Stalin, can you give me a candy?
- Fuck off.
And he could have killed her.

Every time

A american and russian soldier meet and the american one starts telling the russian, how goo they have it in the us army, that they've got high tech gear and weapons, how they train alot and that they get 8k calories each day.
At that moment the russian interrupts him yelling LIAR!! No one is able to eat 20kg of potatoes a day!

Why don't the Amish water-ski?

Because it's too hard on the horses.

There was once a farmer, who owned a lot of land. Problem was that his wife, who he loved very much, was infertile, so he didn't have sons to help him work his land to full potential. So he decided to take up an electronics course, and in the end he decided to build robots to do the hard work on the land.

After some time he had amassed quite a few robots, and they were fantastic at their job. The whole day they were working in the fields which were now full of crops.

But one day he got a visit by the authorities. They said "we have had complaints by people driving on the nearby road. Problem is that the sun shines on your robots, and the light reflects off them and often blinds incoming traffic."

"Oh if is just that" the farmer said, and he went and painted all his robots black.

Next day, none of them showed up for work.

An American and a Russian are arguing about which country is better
The American says: "The USA has such freedom of speech that I can go in front of the white house and yell 'The POTUS is a jackass!', and nothing will be done to me!"
The Russian says "The same is true in Russia! I can go to the red square and yell 'The POTUS is a jackass' and nothing will be done to me!"

An international contest in hammering nails with your forehead into planks was organised.
The contestants were a russian a pole and a german.
First contestant was the german, he places his nail on the board, one-two-three hits with his forehead and its in.
Second was the pole, same, nail, plank, one-two hits with his forehead and its in.
Last was the russian, he places the nail on the plank, one hit! and its in. Amazing
Jury pronounces the results of the competition, first place pole, second place german, no third place cause the russian was disqualified for hammering the nail the pointy end up.

French guy, English guy and a Pole find a gold fish and are granted each one wish
The french guy says that he has an old and ugly wife, and wishes for a young and beutiful one - poof granted
The english guy says that he hates his boss and wishes that he has a new better paying job - poof granted
The pole ponders for a second, and says, my neighbour has a herd of cows... make them all die

A jew went to his rabbi and said "rabbi I am in pain. I've got a wife and 8 kids, we're poor, live in a small house and I am slowly losing it. Can you please give me some advice?"

The rabbi said: "go and get a goat, let it live inside the house with your family"

The jew does what the rabbi tells him, and after two weeks he meets the rabbi again, who asks him how thing are now. "Terrible rabbi, the goat stinks, it shits everywhere, it eats everything, we're not able to live like this".

The rabbi says: "do away with the goat". After two weeks they meet again, rabbi asks him how things are.

"Great, simply great. No more goat, just the nine of us!"

Warning polish humor
Why do black people eat white chocolate?
Soo they dont bite their fingers