A Song I Wrote

This is a little excerpt of a song I begin to write a few minutes ago. Give me constructive criticism and feedback, please! And don't just say "lame," "retarded," and or "KYSNIGGERFAGGOT" (knowing Sup Forums, anons will probably do all three at once, but hey, what's life without taking risks?), PLEASE!

>I conceal what I feel
>Afraid to see what is real
>A heart so luscious you could steal
>Realms unravel in your heel
>How do we cope without this?
>Bloodied in painted blades
>Did I save all my musings?
>To let a lie savor me?

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you seem nice so im only gonna tell you to go fuck yourself

...thanks, I guess.

Aww. No other replies?

lame

Not gonna lie this is pretty bad my guy. Try reading some poetry and being more subtle in you rhyming schemes. You'll get better if you study and practice. More importantly, is there any music to go along with this?

Thanks, I'll admit, I came up with it in a stream-of-consciousness daydream lasting about 2 minutes. If I took my time, I could do much better with it. I mostly got inspired by reading fantasy/fiction novels and old literature, with my own imagination.

retarded

And as for music, I usually prefer to focus on lyrics first, but I could make an ambient meets acoustic rock instrumental over it.

bad

try again for literally 5 years

then come back and post what you have

i'm being serious. every song writer starts with shitty poetry. you just gotta keep making shitty poetry till it starts to become not so bad.

Thanks for the feedback, but could you elaborate more on what made it bad? Granted, I made it in such a short time via daydreaming.

dogshit worthless post, what is the point in telling him to mindlessly practice for 5 years? how is that a helpful and efficient thing to do?

What would you suggest I practice with?

i dunno buddy, im clueless it was just a free bump really

best of luck

no gay shit, that goes both ways.

?

The rhyming seems forced user - realms unravel in your heel in particular makes little sense, but not in a good, surreal way. If you work at it though you might be able to get something out of it - sometimes I discard everything except a line or two when I write songs.

Anyone care to rate my song? I am having to play above the neck of the guitar due to broken wrist, thus slow strumming.

clyp.it/0yc5nyqn

KYSNIGGERFAGGOT

ahh, that was satisfying... all just in one word

That line was actually supposed to represent the inner idealism of humans as fragile states of life, and how easily we can damage our separate worlds by merely existing in reality (symbolized as the heel crushing the realm). This relates to the overarching idea of insecurity and shyness inside the main protagonist, and realizing that he's no more significant than the average human.

Yeah, but it doesn't say that does it?

Realms unravel in your palm makes more sense and sounds nice, even if it's bollocks.

What about "realms unravel under your heel?"

I guess, but the lyrics still just aren't doing it for me. It sounds like pretty poor poetry.

When writing a song try to come up with a melody whilst you do it. Sing it aloud as you write then find the chords or notes to complement it. A song and a poem aren't the same thing.

I already made a melody inside my head while I set up my original thread, but I'm away for a bit and I can't post it yet. Maybe later. But just out of curiosity, what do you consider as bad and good poetry? How do you tell if a writer genuinely conveys an emotional or insightful message, as opposed to being pretentious or overly flowery? And do you value complexity and mastery of advanced poetry techniques or do you value simplicity, but praise originality?

I value music that sounds good and makes me think and feel. Generally it ought to be relatable in some way. I'm not bothered if it's complex or simple - for example, some of Bob Dylan's best songs are very simple like Buckets of Rain, but they are beautiful as the metaphors and similes are clever and it is always relatable in some way. Try to think of the audience as you write.

Thanks for your feedback. But before you go, I have a confession to make...


I actually wrote this poem in literally 20 seconds, just as a joke to see how Sup Forums would react to it. I wasn't making it into a song, nor am I a "novice" songwriter/poet. Anyway, thank you guys for replying to it; you actually had some legitimate criticism (I half-expected every comment to be a "lame retarded KYSNIGGERFAGGOT" shitpost). But I have actually written poetry for a while, since I was about 4-5. Maybe if you guys are interested, I could show you some of my other work. :)

I suspected you were trolling when you pretentiously explained the meaning behind that line I criticised, but I gave you the benefit of the doubt as I have written a few shitty songs myself.

>tfw nobody gave feedback on my song

To quote my favorite song:
> You're talking a lot, but you're not saying anything.
There's your criticism. Now onto the judgement:
> It's not good, at all.