Luke...

>Luke, did I ever tell you about the time your grandmother was raped to death by the very same sand people I just rescued you from? We left her in slavery here on Tatooine. We didn't have enough money to buy her freedom despite us saving the life of the queen of one of the richest planets in the Galaxy. Anyways your father came back to see her years later but she was already at the Tusken camp getting raped when he arrived. Your Aunt and Uncle let him know after bringing him a crisp beverage and he set off to find her. When he got there she was almost dead so he decided to kill all of them instead of bringing her to a medical facility. He slaughtered the whole tribe. It was basically genocide. He also built C-3PO.

>he was a good friend

> Mentioning Tatooine

>by the way I left your father to die a slow painful death burning alive and now he's a robot man in constant agonizing pain
>it was a more noble, honorable time

>Luke, did you know that Chewbacca briefly fought alongside your father's padawan in the Clone Wars? Your father briefly taught his own student, a hot orange piece of jailbait before she was falsely accused of a crime and left the Jedi Order.

After that we never spoke about her.

I skipped TFA but I could be convinced to watch a movie about her sordid sexual adventures

>Luke, did I ever tell you how we'd test children's blood without their parents consent then kidnap those children whose blood tests were above a set threshold and that this galaxy-wide endeavor was sanctioned by the senate? It was a more civilized age.

Mine's better.

>Luke, did I ever tell you about Bidlo Kwerve? He was a Corellian pirate and smuggler who served Jabba Desilijic Tiure. A tall, grizzled man with scarred features and a mane of black hair, he was known for his greediness and hot temper, and was quick to respond to any perceived insults. Kwerve and a Twi'lek named Bib Fortuna competed to become Jabba's new majordomo after the Hutt deemed his previous retainer, Naroon Cuthus, too old and incapable of carrying out his duties. Kwerve and Fortuna hated each other with a passion and went to great lengths to prove themselves in Jabba's eyes, though Jabba considered each as incompetent as the other. Kwerve disliked Jabba's top pilot, Han Solo, and the two often clashed, both in words and with blasters. Around 2 BBY, he considered leaving Jabba's employ because of the continual menial tasks that were being asked of him, and though Fortuna encouraged him to quit, he never did. Shortly before the Battle of Yavin, Kwerve discovered a crashed ship in the Tatooinian desert, with a live rancor inside it. Hoping to present the beast to Jabba for his birthday, he begrudgingly sought the aid of Fortuna to help him transport it to Jabba's Palace. Jabba was impressed with the initiative shown by his two top lieutenants and offered to make one of them his new majordomo; the other would be given the "greater honor," though Jabba did not specify what this was. Ever greedy, Kwerve accepted the "greater honor"—he became the rancor's first victim and was devoured in a pit below Jabba's court.

>Anyway, I only bring this up because in about four years you're going to pick up his skull and throw it at a panel to drop a massive door down on that very same rancor. He'll get his revenge on the rancor, from a certain point of view.

>Luke, did you know you have a sister who has the force, and actually encountered two Jedi that were part of the Phoenix Squadron a couple years before the Battle of Yavin?

Pablo Hidalgo wtf are you smoking

>He slaughtered the whole tribe. It was basically genocide. He also built C-3PO.

Not that there's anything wrong with killing a tribe of sand niggers.

Since when could Obi-Wan see the future?

I like to think after Order 66 she realized Bariss was right and broke her out; the two then went on to have adventures, and by adventures, I mean lots of sex.

>and by adventures, I mean lots of sex.

If you didn't say it I was going to say it.

>Luke, did you know you can use the force to clean and dry your robes? It saves me a fortune in depends.

>Luke did I ever tell you how I was supposed to hide you from your evil father? Yea I didn't try at all. I brought you to his only living relatives on his homeplanet. I didn't even change your name. Somehow it worked out because he doesn't like sand or something. He was a good friend

I can't fucking stand Pablo Hidalgo, he is the worst traits of the EU fanboy rolled into one disgusting wetback of a man

I just hope the "story group" is just a marketing gimmick and Disney lets the real kinographers work without interference from the autism crew

>like did I ever tell you about the time I had to cover my mouth because I was on the verge of bursting into laughter when your mother and I were discussing the mass murder of children by your father
>i was a sensitive and compassionate man

>luke, did I ever tell you about how I faked my death so I could drink some magic jedi potion to turn me into a wanted criminal and both myslef and the entire jedi council lied to your father and let him think I was dead so I could go and play Hypercube with a bunch of retards and a blue easter egg that was secretly a convoluted recruitment plot by my former good friend dooku so we kidnap another good friend Chanciller Palpitine who is now a bad friend and then your father found out we all lied to him even though it wouldnt have mattered if we told him or not and then we all called him a little bitch afterwards when he complained we always left him out of stuff and that we even let him on thr council but not really and none of us ever even let him have a comfortable chair? He was a good friend

why did i ever like star wars

I'd argue it actually made sense for Luke. Even though he has potential for the force he was born and raised on a desert planet with barely any life, which is the reason why he started off so weak at it.

Now Obi Wan and friends deciding that Luke should be raised on Tatooine, on the other hand, makes no sense

>luke, did I ever tell you about your mother who was a dumb bitch and constantly fucked everything up all the time and we had to rescue her constantly and because of her my good friend anakin murdered hundreds of my other good friends because of some dreams, anyways she died because we took her to see the Ooba bot instead of to a hospital and then everyone ditched me and I had 2 kids that werent mine so I dumped your sister off to live the life of luxery as a beautiful princess while I just sort of dumped you on some poor dirtfarmers who did not even want you, I am a good friend, Luke

>Luke did you know your dad killed your mom with bad vibes and I watched her die shortly after giving birth to you? He was a good friend.

...

>Luke, did I ever tell you about the time I warned your father that from a certain point of view I had the high ground? I wound up cutting his limbs off and leaving him to burn to death.

>He was a good friend.

Thisthisthisthis

Tfa and probably 8: k i n o. 9 worries me

This thread sucks. Someone post the one about chair.

>like did I ever tell you about the time I was standing 2.5 feet higher on a slope a good distance away from your father and he then ignored all the basic principles of warfare devised tens of thousands of years ago by cavemen and chose to acrobatically cartwheel himself directly over me completely leaving himself exposed for me to simply lift up my light saber and slice off all his limbs
>he was a good student of combat