Forget multipass

>forget multipass
>have to hide in cinema shower until the sentrybot passes
>completely soaked and miss the first 20 minutes of the flick

Remind me why people go to the cinema again?

Should have forged a multipass with your anvil, bro.

What sort of cinema has a fucking shower?

WHY would a cinema have a shower?

>His cinema doesn't have showers
I bet you're a third worlder

>Go to my local kinoplex
>Mr. Shekelstein is enforcing a white male tax

Almost every theatre has them, maybe you've just never noticed. All the time I hear somebody stand up and tell their friend or partner they're going to hit the showers real quick.

>he didn't bring his NSA exploited microCam to the shower with him
You're loss sempai

>his theater lets in a bunch of unclean stinky shitskins in

how the fuck do you wash off after a tense kino makes you all sweaty? do you just drive home covered in sweat? disgusting.

Because don't turn around

UH OH

DER KOMMISAR IN TOWN WOAH OH

I bet you don't even have a pet falcon

>tfw cinema shower runs out of hot water before you finish
>tfw penis inspections right after

This, the government forced mandated pre-viewing shower sessions for a reason damnit.

If you didn't bring your NSA microCams with you before viewing you deserved to be culled with the rest of them.

>get some needle nose pliars
>break the chains on all the poop scissors in the cinema bathroom and steal them
>come back a couple hours later after the film
>see shit leaking into the hallway because the toilets can't handle people's monster turds

>drop the soap in the showers at the local kinomaplex
>it's that shitty powdered soap
>have to bend over and fucking scoop it up as it gets all hard and goopy as the water hits it
>falcon flies by and shits on my head, I get startled and fall over
>the cinema crab herder loses control of his herd and a bunch of crabs scuttle in around me and start pinching my balls
>as I'm laying there crying a black man begins sodomizing me
>miss the entire movie and get fined for getting soap, blood, tears and cum all over the showers

>going to the cinema all alone as always
>the usual routine, bought two tickets and the multiculturally approved combo of hummus and goatmilk, family size
>also brought a womens jacket which I hold on my right arm when I enter
>"Excuse me sir but where is your companion?"
>"Oh she's at the bathroom no worries" *point at the jacket*
>"Enjoy your kíno sir"
>a bit sweaty from that interaction but it all seems good, have plenty of time to cool down during ads
>lights go off, movie finally starts
>let out the last few farts from the warm goatmilk so I can finally enjoy my highly anticipated flick
>suddenly the opening credits are stopped, cinema staff bullies come in with flashlights
>Saw a guy drinking the offensive Coca Cola drink so they gotta be after him
>but the main cinema bully flashes right at me and yells "RIGHT THERE! GET THE LOSER"
>they are clearly onto me, should've brought a more convincing and expensive women's jacket
>the whole row is throwing me out, spitting and throwing stones at me
>cinema staff bullies drag me out of there with the whole crowd cheering and clapping
>"This is the third time you broke the 'no singles policy', you're going to jail you fucking weirdo"
>they throw me in the cinema jail, small dirty cell with no windows or toilet (pic related), just a designated shitting corner
>they don't tell me the time or date so I don't know if I was there for weeks or months
>survive on eating only leftover spilled cinema hummus and sheep blood which the cinema staff scrapes of the floor of every screening
>get to know all the other losers in nearby cells, we form a secret women hating club in there
>one other loser overhears our conversation and starts yelling at us
>brawl ensues, cinema jail clans are fighting to death
>I pretend dead so the staff throws me out in the dumpster with the rest of the bodies
>wait for the night to fall and run back home to my room
>have to start collecting good boy points all over again

>penis inspection day
>forgot to bring my penis

Do you idiots really enjoy making these threads? It's always the same stupid memes rehashed into new, equally boring greentexts. None of you are funny and only a few of you will get (you)s. This thread will eventually die and you'll close the tab without learning anything or experiencing anything real.

>As part of Kinoplex ticket agreement need to work 12 hours in popcorn mines
>Get butter in my hair
>Finally finish my shift just in time for capeshit previews
>Forgot to shower, well too late
>Falcon dives on me and starts pecking my hair
>Try to get her off (my head)
>Theatre Gestapo warns me not to disrupt her habitat under threat of death
>Get tazed repeatedly, pass out
>Miss all 3 hours of the BatmanVManofsteel: Dawn of Kino Extended Edition Director's Cut Trailer
>I paid $280 and took out a high-interest loan for this

Just go to the showers, trust me. It beats the alternative.

At least I got out before the post-credits roming rape gangs captured me.

>pic related
>no pic

>penis inspection day
>bring my fake dick
>inspector sees right through it
>forced to watch the film from the falcon cage

>playing grab ass in the cinema shower
>manager comes in and nods thinking i'm with people
>penis inspector shows up right after however
>run out in tears forgetting to put on clothes
>tfw im standing naked right in front of an entire theater about to see the Boss Baby
>tfw banned for life from all AMC locations

Don't you have a football game to go to or something normie?

...

...

Hi sir, don't worry I'll take care of your wife while you watch kinos.

>theater checkpoint guard randomly selects me
>pats me down
>removes the legos from my pocket that I use to fiddle with during intense Kino
>Forced to go into movie with no protection

A U T O W A S H
U
T
O
W
A
S
H

Are you fucking kidding me right now? People get dirty at a movie theater, plus it helps you relax and get focused before the flick starts. Seriously man this is common sense

You should get one of those autism spinners. They hand them out at my local cinema to 'gifted children' to stop them yelling during the screening.

>visit America
>go to cinema
>get shot

Fuck America.

>Go to Theatre downtown
>Brought my falconette (Lisa) to get past the no singles policy (We're common law married)
>They let me in no problems
>No Theater operator is Muslim and has banned popcorn because it's not halal
>I ask for some sort of replacement snack
>He pulls a huge, 20 pound bag of imported, uncooked rice onto the counter
>He fills my cup with dry grains of rice and tells me it's just a s good
>Okay fine, I take it but I ask for some Live Mice to feed Lisa, my wife
>Mice are halal too (what the fuck?)
>Ask for another replacement
>He gives me some live Death's-head Hawkmoths, "the jew of the animal world" (???)
>Take Lisa and out snacks to the shower room
>Men's showers are broken so I have to use the birdbath with Lisa
>It's dirty, stagnant, and filled with litter
>Finally get to out seats after our gross bath
>Jem and the Holograms, things seem good so far
>Liza DOES NOT like the moths, I try to calm her down but she starts screeching and circling, looking for prey (luckily it was only us in the theater)
>I try eating the rice grains, it's fucking hard
>halfway through the flick I get the "grumpy dumpies"
>Run to the bathroom and shoot buckshot out my ass because of the undigested rice
>I pass out from rectal bleeding in the stall
>Lisa found me 4 hours later
>Get fined for the mess: $5,000 plus 75% tip

it was a good time

because in America we had a problem with bed bugs infesting seats at the cinema. Mainly in big cities with minority immigrants.
they make everyone shower now

Good thread

>Go to see The Lady in the Van, rated 12A starring Maggie Smith, in 3D
>Go with my mum to get past NSP
>the commander of the cinema vanguard flirts with my mum openly
>"what's a gorgeous young woman like you doing with a schmuck like him"
>realize the commander is jewish
>he throws my mum to the troops for them to pass around
>forced to masturbate to prove we're a romantic couple
>the ordeal is finally over and we are let through the cinema gatehouse
>my mum is still pulling on her clothes as we walk up the tree lined avenue through the perfectly manicured cinema grounds
>despite the beautiful scenery, guards wielding laser halberds with unclipped-cock seeking automatic targetting systems line the road
>as we reach the front aunting the valets appear at our sides to take our car to the parking area
>we went on foot, so I just gave the black valet my home keys and our address for "liability purposes"
>after purchasing our tickets (1000 yuan paid in monthly installments direct to the people's republic of china)
>we strip off our clothes and feed them into the incinerator
>step onto the conveyor belt for decontamination
>my mother's geiger count is off the chart
>she gets tipped into the incinerator too
>I'm showing normal levels of radiation so they just throw lime on me to burn away my parasites
>they give me a set of plastic cinema pyjamas
>hand me me a receipt for the gold fillings and jewelry my mother had
>receipt says a donation has been made in your name to PETA
>step into the movie pod
>pod ascends into the theatre mothership
>feel a slight bump as the energy fields descend into hyperspace
>fields find traction and we begin to accelerate into the heavens
>as we reach lightspeed I see the movie projected onto pluto from hubble projector stationed at a lagrange point between jupiter and the sun
>by the time we circumnavigate the sun the next scene is showing
>whole film is blue-shifted because the pilot was going too fast

Maggie Smith was charming as always

>Visit Europe
>Go to the theater
>Get shot

Do any of you guys get clams served at your theater? Mine does, but the fuckin seat belts on the theater chair always makes me drop some on the steel caged floors underneath

>theater lifts no singles policy
>strut in like I own the place
>get directed to the singles pit
>The front 4 rows are now a pit for singles
>there's already 4 sweaty obese men in there
>paid for my ticket I'm watching this film
>climb down the rope ladder
>It's cramped with just 4 people
>as soon as the theater darkens see the guy next to me licking the nipples of the big guy next to him
>he tells me that's Frank and this is his pit
>You gotta pay the toll to not get raped
>picking nipple hair out of my teeth the whole movie

>no Whoomp there it is
Sup Forums is dead

Next time you walk into your theater go behind the food counter and press the big green button under it

prepare to get redpilled

>local theatre issues a strict no singles policy
>bypass this by bribing me dear old mum to the movies
>arrive at the cinema
>it's the annual spring father-feather moonlight social and your date must be a bird of prey
>quickly run to the dollar store next door and makeshift my mother into a semi-passable falcon
>hit the dance floor with the rest of the couples
>some dude asks if he can cut in real quick
>decide to freshen up and take a quick shower before the dance contest begins, so why not
>take a piss in the stall and overhear some talking
>they said one of the birds is getting out of hand and not obeying its master out there and it's getting ugly
>rush out to see the commotion
>three guys are holding my mom down while another one is preening her
>rush over to stop them but its too late
>they discover she's human
>hooded druids appear and demand to know who's mother this is
>swear up and down she's just a really rare type of falcon and it's all a big misunderstanding
>they say i need to prove it
>we head to the roof and i give my mom a good luck kiss before pushing her off
>despite my prayers she doesn't fly and falls face first on the concrete and dies
>it would've only been a 40 dollar fine if i just admitted we snuck in

gotg2 was ok
l

More like
>get shot at
>draw weapon
>constitutionally guaranteed the right to defend myself and my property like God intended
Must suck to have the local law enforcement nanny you, eh eurobro?

>cinema lifts no singles policy
>corralled into end screen with the other virgins
>crowded, but I feel safe with my own kin
>get a seat between two balding middle aged men with potbellies
>the lights dim
>the film starts. It's Star Wars Episode Eleven: Revenge of the White Male
>hear odd grinding noise
>probably that fat guy's beergut
>it's not
>the theatre walls are closing in
>some witty faggot says "I've got a bad feeling about this"

You must live in one of those podunk parts of America where cinemas still don't have showers. I bet you don't even have a theater falcon to deal with cell phone users.

>tell my sister to let me borrow her husband's daughter so I can watch the new guardians of the galaxy 2 in iMAX 3D with DD(Dolby Digitial)
>she is hesitant because I almost sold her off but finally agrees because I am her little brother
>get to town square , pass the drunks at McHanney or McFarren or Mickshit, get to AMC
>in line to get tickets I see a black guy mad dogging me , get uncomfortable tell lina which will be her name for the story , her real name is lisa, that I need to go to the restroom
>quickly take a shower and pee , puke afterword because my stomach hurt from the black guy staring at me
>lina is waiting in the front of the line with 8 fat mexican families mad at me for whatever reason
>before purchase they read me the rules blah blah blah no singles no drinks from outside the theater I have to buy popcorn
>right before they hand me the tickets they see lina , quickly call security , have to tell them she is my gf suffering from andy milanokis disease, they arent having it
>immediately call my mother tell her the details she calls my sister my sister calls me
>had to wait in jail for 2 days and my tickets expired by then
fuck amc

t. Cletus Lafaguette

>went to see Alien: Covenant yesterday
>get attacked by a Xenomorph
It was a shitty movie and I got raped by a weird looking alien thing
Fuck Britain

>his movie theater doesn't have a shower
Kek I bet you live in some shitty 3rd world country

>mom wants me to take her watch some flick
>I'm not very happy, but she's my mom, so I say "yes"
>we're near the cinema
>camera outside makes beeping noise
>skinny good looking black man rushes to us
>turns to me
>"Hello, sir, here's your towel, bird treats, hammer, soap, another towel, sunglasses, movie hat, your huge "number 1 movie fan" glove, carpet slippers and a toothpick"
>turns to my mother
>"you need to sign here and here to confirm that you are real human being, and not just a dog in a wig just to pass our policy"
>he glances at me
>I look away with a slight guilt
>mom not understanding anything just signs the papers
>"now we can go, sir"
>"madam, you can proceed to your entarense"
>he turns to me
>takes me in his hands and we walk to the entarense of the real cinema
>mom recovering from the shock, starts screaming and bashing my guide
>snipers have to take her off
So now I'm orphan, and LaLaland was 5/10, so it's not even worth it

>new cineplex opens
>has a Theater in the round
>Watch a large ball withe film projected onto it floating in the middle of the room

why have a theater in the round for movies? it doesn't make any fucking sense

Are you American? All cinemas in Aus have showers except ones in small towns

Lol I bet you're from some rural town in Alabama
Every single cinema here in California has a shower

>tfw your cinema runs out of popcorn and other concessions bedause the designated shooter didn't do his job and thin the herd

>tfw the cinema clown singles you out in the crowd and makes you dance in front of everyone

>tfw the water in the cinema dunk tank hasn't been changed in weeks and they draw your name to go in

>tfw the last guy in the showers stole the poop scissors so you're turtle heading for the entire film

>tfw robert keeps calling my kid "son" and it's creeping me out

>tfw i can't use my mom as a date anymore because last time we ended up on the theatre date cam and got fined for unsexy incest

>tfw you fail penis inspection and have to pay a fine or face jail time

>tfw a small soda is five dollars and change

>tfw fucking water is 5 dollars

>tfw the tickets are already grossly overpriced

>tfw you buy snacks at the super market instead but get stuck in line behind a fat puerto rican family trying to buy a years worth of junk food and detergent with food stamps, monopoly money and expired coupons and it takes six managers to sort everything out and you're late for your flick

You should get a cinema falcon

>singles policy now covers falcons

>forget multipass

>driving around the theater racetrack
>get shunted from behind and spill my crab legs
>have to go into the pits and miss the ending of the movie
>have to tip the pit crew

>go to theater
>present Cinemark membership ID so they let me in
>scrawny usher pats me down to check for outside snacks and drinks
>go to ticket machine to pick up my tickets from Fandango
>get my complementary Boss Baby digital coloring book page as a reward
>only had to pay a $10 convenience fee
>enter concession line, conveniently combined with line to ticket tearer
>drink prices increased, but that's ok because they only require 1 drink minimum
>meet my designated viewing partner for single attendees
>tip him ahead of time so he wont speak to me
>find my designated seat, far left first row just how I like it
>sit through first fifteen minute block of repeated advertisements
>movie is about to begin, best birthday ever
>get shot by guy who came in through emergency exit

>He's only seen the front of the cinema on single's night.

>go to cinema with my bro
>it's a random penis inspection
>haven't washed in days and my dick smells like old milk
>ask to use the showers
>"you can't go to the showers uninspected sir, that's why we do this"
>my bro tells me to buy some mints, suck on them then rub them on my dick to make it minty
>that might work
>vending machine out of mints
>get gobstoppers instead
>my dick will smell fruity now and i might even win most pristine peen and get a discount on my tickets
>my turn in line for inspection
>"i believe you'll see everything is peachy down there.."
>sirens are going off
>look down and see gobstoppers left my dick green and sticky and the smell is even worse
>security quarantines me for potentially being contagious
>pat me down and find gobstoppers
>face jail time for contraband
>try to explain the situation but they don't listen
>week in and week out getting injected with different medicine
>beg that they just let me wash myself and it will solve everything
>"shut up criminal"
>ultimately they decide to amputate my penis
>spend six months in maximum security prison with no dick
>get treated like a woman and have trains run on me daily
>finally get out
>never have to pass a penis inspection again

so it turned out better than expected but keep shutting myself