Hey everyone how's your weekend. It's time... time again for some retarded Fantastic Four adventures. Today's episode features the Molecule Man! Though if he used his powers right he could make himself into a Molecule Woman and we could accept his life choices.
Anyways! Feel free to join in on the snarky commentary, make macros, and/or sit back, relax and enjoy
Let's do this.
Johnny: Hey Reed! Nice rock! Where'd it come from
Sue: He bought it from some farmer. It's a meteor! It fell in a field ominously! Isn't it pretty!
Reed: Ben! Take a listen to this rock and see if you can hear demonic whispering, tiny insects, or rock music.
None of that Stretch, but I do hear a crackling noise and that means this thing has to be radioactive!
Really?! You mean it?! That's great! It's too bad my instruments can't penetrate the rock for study. Why! This could be a piece of a dead alien planet and our key to killing pesky alien invaders!
I'll just burn a hole in it! Watch everyone!
Fwooooosh!
Warn us next time! Concentrate your fire more! You're going to singe us all!
YOU TRYING TO BURN THE BUILDING DOWN KID? Let me try it! I'm da expert rockologist on rocks here!
Ok! First you find the sweet spot! See here? This part melted a little bit, making it the go-to clobber area.
Step two! Give it the classic one inch punch!
Jeez I gotta be careful! I keep punchin' green rocks like that and I'll mess up my gorgeous little hands! I think I clobbered myself more than the rock!
You did it Ben! This is remarkable! Look at the rings! This thing must be 4 years old! It appears to have a nuclear core, yet showed up negative on the Geiger counter!
Here goes! Sue! You look up the results of this radium stabilizer analyzer on the screen!
Reed: That has the strangest molecule structure I've ever seen! It's.... not supposed to glow like that. IT'S ABSORBING THE RADIUM FROM THE STABILIZER! Shut it off!
Sue: This thing looks dangerous! Are you sure you want to study it?
Reed: Of course I do! I won't study anything in here that doesn't have a chance of killing someone! I thought you knew me better than that and yet here you are, asking stupid questions. Ben! Put it in the lead vault for now. That should hold its awesome power!
You want me to carry that?! Oh what's the use. I'm not gonna get any uglier.
Yo, Reed. Check this out. There's a thing floating outside and a mob out there.
RRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWR
Reed: Huh. You don't see that everyday. Let's get down there and see what peril we're facing.
>MEANWHILE AT THE OLYMPIC BUILDING
>Poof!
Hey! Up here everyone! Silence! Silence I say! I have a lot to say, but first look behind you!
Right over there!
What?! There was a building here! It's gone now! Not again! Why? WHY! Hasn't New York faced enough tragedy?!
Look everyone! He made by Baxter Building float up there!
Sue: No! Not our house!
Reed: This man, whoever he is, has more incredible powers than anyone I've ever seen! How does he do that?! I have to know!
Now behold! I'll put it back down as if nothing has ever happened! Well... the foundation and piping will be all fucked up and you'll have extensive repair bills hooking up power and water and sewage all over again, but otherwise it's all fine!
Now that I've demonstrated my god-like powers to levitate buildings I've come to announce that I am dissolving all man-made law! None shall give orders except me, the Molecule Man. I AM THE LAW.
Reed: Not while we're around you're not!
What?! Who said that? Who the fuck said that? Show yourself!
We're right here in front of you, idiot. We're the Fantastic Four and we're not going to let you be the law. Just who do you think you are ordering us around anyways?
You want to hear my origin story and the source of my tremendous power before I kill you and rule over the world? Very well! Nothing could possibly go wrong letting that information get out!
You see! I was just another poor Bilbo Baggins-lookalike working and developing ACME products! Just a few years ago I was a lab technician doing all the work while they were making all the money! I wanted more in life! I deserved more!
HOWEVER! You can only work with ACME products for so long before everything catastrophically blows up in your face and yet I survived!
The physics changed me! Atomic forces had changed me! A tingling of power stayed with me!
So I have the power to rearrange all molecules! All molecules! Mankind shall cower before me and my ever-changing whims! My Psuedoscience reigns supreme!
Reed: Not all Mankind shall obey! We'll stop you! We, the Fantastic Four! And my friend, Thing, will also stop you even if he probably isn't human anymore!
Thing: We gonna do something? We've been standing here for a while. My foot's asleep.
You fools! You think you can fight me and my hax? OK everyone. Check out that streetlight over there!
Now it's a fan! You all can blow outta here because beating you is gonna be a breeze!
ahhhh NO NOT PUNS
Sue: Johnny! I saved you, bro, but I was too late to save anyone else!
Next time Sue you save me fiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrsssssssssst
For my next trick I'll turn clouds into magnets! To further confuse and impress you all and provoke the Insane Clown Posse into releasing another song!
AS A SCIENTIST I'M OFFENDED BY THIS. YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR
Yo Molecule chump! Over here!
I'm not a fan of your antics!
Sue: Johnny! Can you get Reed down?
Johnny: You got it!
Hah! That man's stuck up there in the sky! heeheehee hohohoho! Maybe if he didn't have such a magnetic personality! I crack myself up!
Johnny: Looks like you owe me a bonus for saving you! Hold still while I melt some magnets.
Molecule Man: HAHAHAHAHAHA See how easily I toy with the Fantastic Four? I could humiliate you all day! But I made an appointment with all your military leaders and the Molecule Man is always anally punctual in all matters! Peace out!
I did good today! Dad's going to be so proud of me!
(I don't know if anyone is actually reading this cause no one's responded or anything. If anyone is a bump to keep me from autosaging past page 10 would be appreciated. Thank you. )
...
THAT SON OF A BITCH MADE A FOOL OUT OF US ALL, AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, ME. ME, THE SUPER SCIENTIST. WELL, MOLECULE MAN, NEXT TIME THINGS ARE GOING TO BE DIFFERENT WHEN I SHOW YOU WHY SUPER SCIENCE BEATS OUT PSUEDOSCIENCE EVERY TIME. YOU HEAR ME MOLECULE MAN?! YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED AND YOU WILL FEEL MY GEEKY REVENGE.
Reed: Nobody's leaving this building until we find a flaw in his powers!
Ok! Here me out! No one has ever caught electricity to my knowledge, or stopped it for long enough to study is closely...
But... Benjamin Franklin and the Kite?
Benjamin... who? NEVERTHELESS! I don't think Molecule Man can alter electricity molecules and maybe I can use that to our advantage!
Thing: Then just go build your wonder machine already and quit yammerin'!
EXTRA EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT! SUPERVILLAIN CONQUERS EAST COAST
OK! I've gathered you all here today to tell you that I've destroyed all of your military! Tanks! Rocket ships, guns, armor, it's all been turned to dust and glitter and whatever else I felt like turning it into!
And thank you for removing your hats. You are all very polite to tyrannical madmen. I appreciate it.
General: But... why did you call us to a meeting here? What is your agenda?
I called you all here to tell you that you all serve me now! Soy tu jefe!
Generals: HELL NO
Molecule: I'm sorry you feel that way but you'll come around and learn to love me with time.
Thing: Hey Reed! What's that you got there?
Reed: It's a gun, Ben, it shoots things, but that's not important right now. I think with it we can meet the Molecule Man on equal footing and level the playing field.
But Reed. How do we use the gun?
Seriously?! You pull the fucking trigger like every other fucking gun you stupid, stupid, woman. It shoots a red anti-electronchanging spray that coats the target and keeps the Molecule Man from altering it.
Oh! I get it! Instead of bullets the gun shoots dust!
Sue: The Molecule Man is terrorizing the country! How will we find him?
Reed: Simple! To the television news! He loves being filmed!
Thanks OP
Breaking news! Our Supreme Lord and Master the great and powerful Molecule Man decries that anyone who spots the Fantastic Four must report the sighting to the Molecule Man. Up next, Sports!
Johnny: That was a dirty and stupid trick! Telling people to report us when he KNOWS we live in the Baxter Building.
Reed: He's at the steps of the Library! Ok! Here's the gameplan.
Sue, you turn invisible and try to steal his magic wand. I think it's the source of his power or something. It looks important.
Johnny, you stay close and get ready to flame on when I give the signal.
Ben, you stick with me. We're bringing up the rear.
OK EVERYONE LET'S GO.
Oh I'm gonna clobber that fucker good. No one forces Ben Grimm to go to the library and escapes unpunched! Last guy who did that is still in a coma!
And if you don't deliver the Fantastic Four to me by tomorrow I'll destroy the city! And then I'll kill you!
And Thank you for watching and enjoying.
And to further entice you people I'm putting a cover over the city to keep you from escaping! Enjoy your greenhouse effect!
I'm not done yet! Look at that statue!
ARISE! KIM i mean-SIMBA! All that the light touches is yours to destroy and maim!
EXCUSE ME
AS YOUR APPOINTED DISNEY™ REPRESENTATIVE I'VE COME TO TELL YOU THAT THE USE OF SIMBA AND QUOTING AND/OR PARAPHRASING LION KING IS NOT PERMITTED.
I've always wanted to clobber a lion.
Holy shit! He just killed that lion! I better set loose the other one! Fast!
Yeah! Well! Moment of truth for this gun o'mine!
Arise! Scar! What?! Nothing?!
Arise Mufassa? Still nothing!
Lion Guard! Arise and disappoint me! What the hell? It's not working!
Could I be losing my powers?! The Lion didn't come to life! And my arm! My arm hurts for some reason!
Molecule Man! Your powers are nothing! You can use your alchemy without a transmutation circle all you want and it's not going to help! How many people died to give you that philosophers stone you're using to make lions?! Give it up! We have you surrounded and Super Science is better!
Surrender? NEVER. I'm going to use my powers to turn dust in a protective shell and carpet and float away so I can go home and think! And you can't stop me!
ahahahahahaha
I bet your super science can't do THIS.
Johnny! Burn him out of the sky! He's getting away!
I can't! His shield is fireproof and he's making carpet faster than I can burn it!
Sue: My turn! Let's see how he handles an invisible forcefield right in front of his ugly face!
What? I'm stuck on something! Nothing can stop the Molecule Man! Molecules! Power right through this thing!
Actually, forget it. I'll just try something else. Invisible Girl, you were a a worthy opponent but you forget how completely broken and need of nerfing my powerset is!
And watch me as I make a jetplane and escape! IMPRESSED?! Vroooooooom!
My arm! It still hurts! I really should see a doctor about it sometime. I'll have to rethink my strategy and try again.
Gentlemen! I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that the Molecule Man has destroyed 99% of our nation's military equipment.
The good news is that we have a tank left.
We have to let the Fantastic Four know! Maybe they can make use of it!
Reed: I'm pretty proud of myself. I invented this gun and it works great! I even modified it to shoot up to 2 miles!
>ring ring
Johnny: Moshi Moshi
General: Is this the Fantastic Four?
Johnny: No, this is the Human Torch. Oh, you want us to check out something? Sure. Goodbye.
Reed: A warehouse! Full of military equipment! This is perfect! Ben! Spray it all down! Just... don't aim it at us and don't breath it.
Reed: You missed a spot! Over there!
Thing: HOW ABOUT YOU HANDLE YOUR OWN INVENTIONS? MY ARM'S GETTING TIRED.
Reed: Ok! Now I want Johnny to burn the barrel off of this tank and we'll stick the gun through the hole and we'll be unstoppable!
Reed: Sue! Ben! Get in! Hurry!
Sue: REED THIS PLAN IS MAKING LESS AND LESS SENSE BY THE MINUTE.
Reed: Sue! You're doing great driving this thing for a woman driver. Keep going steady! I'm going to look for the Molecule Man!