In concession line for cooler filled with melted butter at cinéma

>in concession line for cooler filled with melted butter at cinéma
>the guard in the watchtower shines his searchlight on me

>want to watch the new Hobbit
>decide to go alone to the cinema
>got my ticket ordered onkine, so go straight to the stall
>buy a paper bag filled with poop
>buy a bottle of poop
>go into cinema
>slip because my new poop shoes still havent dried
>hit the floor with a splat since its tiled with poop
>my clothes are poop and gets everywhere
>try to get up but keep slipping
>line behind me start sighing and looking at their watches, which slips off their arms because the clocks are made of poop
>i start to sink into the floor
>a fitting death

>in soda refill line
>brought in my XXXL DUBL cup from last movie
>feel like there's something gripping my neck
>"h-heh must be nothing.... hope they don't find out I used this old cup"
>feel gust of wind past me
>it's a theatre guard
>before I can even react my neck is touching the floor
>he says
>"sir your zipper is down
>o-oh thank you sir
>cup was smashed

>off to see Attack of the Clones part VI
>ticket buying, tipping, whole kernel corn buying, tipping, and showering, go off without a hitch
>successfully rent a room for after the movie (hopefully I'll get lucky and bring a girl up there for the night)
>attendant directs me to theater 14
>fuck
>theater 14 is the one with the fucking dog kennel in it
>not as bad as theater 21 which doubles as a range for Novorossian soldiers, but shitty nonetheless
>have to sit through A New Hope part III with dogs barking frantically and shitting everywhere
>mfw

>enter cinema to watch The Dark Knight
>"Dr. Pavel, I'm CIA"
>instantly, I'm captured by what's happening on the screen
>"Uh, you don't get to bring friends."
>completely immersed in what's happening
>"Bane?"
>the movie speaks to me on an emotional level
>"THE FIRST ONE TO TALK GETS TO STAY ON MY AIRCRAFT"
>the tension is killing me - what will happen next?
>the world ceases to exist
>I start to cry out of joy
>"OR PERHAPS HE'S WONDERING WHY SOMEONE WOULD SHOOT A MAN BEFORE THROWING HIM OUT OF A PLANE"
>a rush of endorphines washes through my body - I can't believe Nolan did it
>my body starts to shake uncontrollably
>it can't handle the greatness that is unfolding in front of my eyes
>"THE FIRE RISES"
>suddenly start sweating like crazy
>foam shoots out of my mouth
>all the knowledge of the universe pours inside me
>leave my mortal shell to enter the next level of my astral existence
>finally I can see forever

>There Must Be Some Kind of Way Out of Here starts playing

>walk into the wrong screening
>sit and watch so people dont think im retarded
>sneak into my original flick afterwards

bugs...

1/10 bad effort

>decide to go to cinema
>stop by Home Depot on the way and hire a migrant mexican worker to see the movie with me to get past the NSP
>purchase two tickets for The Martian
>try to buy some popcorn
>the cinema farm isn't ready to harvest their corn crop for the year yet
>have to wait for the cinema crabbing boat to get back to buy crab legs
>fuck it, movie is about to start
>head over to security booth and present my passport and ticket so they'll open the security gate
>mexican starts to panic
>screams something in spanish and tries to run out the door
>gets shot by cinema sniper team
>crab boat pulls up to the cinema marina
>they only have rock crab
>purchase a bucket anyway and head in to see movie
>20 minutes later the cinema militia pulls me out
>the mexican had died in the hospital, so I was now technically single
>thrown out and banned for two weeks

7/10

What's th ebest way to bypass the NSP?

asking for a friend

>tfw no more popcorn seeds at the bottom of the bucket because too many people were taking the popcorn seeds home to grow and sneak in their own popcorn instead of feeding on kinoplex chow

>go to the cinema
>get shot

>in line waiting to buy tickects to see trainwreck with gf
>the cinema guard starts patrolling the line
>he runs a strict watch
>eyeing up the customers from head to toe
>he approaches me
>"sir ill need to see your ticket"
>"i-i havn't bought one yet"
>"your penis inspection ticket, sir"
>start visibly sweating
>"th-th.."
>"pull your pants down, sir"
>i obey and unbuckle my belt revealing my micropenis
>the guard starts talking in to his earpiece
>"we have a 314 here, no penis tag..."
>everybody is staring and giggling at me
>"the tag wouldn't fit" i whimper
>"what? WHAT?"
>with tears in my eyes i yell "THE TAG WOULDN'T FIT"
>instantly the guard whips his baton out and starts beating into me
>several more guards rush over and join in, beating me
>not a moment later im being dogpiled on and a baton is being railed inside my ass
>struggling to breathe through the wall of flesh i hear a faint whisper
>"goodnight, needle dick"
>black out

tfw smuggling piss bottles in to the cinema so I can pee during the movie so I don't get shot by the cinema guard for disrupting the movie by getting up to use to kinommode

>step-dad stole my falcon when he left my mom
>only kinoplex under an hour away requires an avian companion test
>can only afford a pigeon from the local pet store >glue fake feathers to it and spray paint it brown
>go to see Ghostbusters (2016)*
>enter the falconry dungeon after the retina scan and ticket purchase
>guard fires the gun signalling the start of the test
>release my pigeon
>immediately attacked and killed by the falconmaster's falcon
>alarm sounds
>black bag wrapped over my head, gets tied tightly around my neck as I am thrown to the floor and kicked repeatedly in the ribs
>regain consciousness in the local hospital
>local police sergeant asses me a 60,000 fine
>end up watching Dunston Checks In about 12 times over the next few days while under kidney dialysis

*I live in Bulgaria so the movies come much later here

8/10
This is a good green text thread

>local kinotheqùé allows you to bypass singles policy with appropriate companion anvil or falcon
>bring my 19th century forged 450 lb. anvil
>have to go through checkpoints and buy extra ticket at higher price
>manage to get past anvil registration and receive license
>use the 90 minute commercial break to go the showers
>see a single washing his cast iron pocket anvil
>go to lodge a complaint with the cinema guard, this is certainly not an approved anvil
>kino guardian gives me a warning and tags me for penis inspection
>next time notice designated shooter completely passes me over even though I paid for the deluxe package

wtf how is this fair?

>sentenced to 3 months in the popcorn mines for not clapping all the way through the pre-movie national anthem

>showerbreak intermission

>forgot my slippers and robe

>Want to see new Spider-Man despite of NSP
>Go on Tinder and get a match
>Haven't met her IRL but ask her out to movies
>She agrees and I tell her to meet me outside the theatre 15 minutes before the movie
>She is ten minutes late and I'm sweating nervously
>Finally she appears from behind the corner with the prettiest smile
"Are you the guy I was supposed to go with? You look kinda different in person"
>sweating intensifies, stutter "y-yeah, should we g-go?"
>She shouts out loud: "It's him!"
>Suddenly five cinema guards tackle me on the ground
>Largest one of them whips out a branding iron
>Says: "Nice try, asshole" as he burns the word 'SINGLE' on my forehead

>go to cinema with friends
>get popcorn and drinks
>sit down in clean seats
>nobody is on their phone and is respectfully quiet during the entire film
>enjoy movie

lmao I love that premise

>watching my kino
>suddenly the designated theater shooter comes in to do his shtick
>hes obviously new because hes visibly sweating while reading his notecard and fumbling his lines
>halfway through he notices his Spiderman: Homecoming™ brand AR-15 isn't loaded
>spaghetti practically starts firing out of his pockets hes so nervous
>theater security comes in soon after
>tags and bags the guy
>they apologize sincerely to everyone in the theater and gives us all a free cinema spa coupon as compensation

Anyone else have this problem? Ive had this happen at least 3 times at my local Kinoplex, its like they don't care about properly training these guys

>tfw the shooter forgot to remove the safety

He got 20 years in the popcorn mines.

It's like they say, use safety, get 20 years/

>guardians of the galaxy 2
>walk into auditorium
>a sudden hush of silence in the air
>hear whispering
>"Mommy how come that ugly old man is by himself? Is he going to rape us?"
>find a seat in an empty corner
>movie starts
>Groot starts dancing
>nobody is laughing, which is really strange
>look around
>they're all staring at me
>even the shooter looks uncomfortable
>movie pauses
>my phone starts ringing
>expect it to be mom
>it just says "Robert" what the fuck
>"Good evening, sir. I apologize for the inconvenience, but it seems you are in the wrong theater. Please exit the auditorium at once and make your way to the front lobby."
>pull ticket out of my pocket to double check the information
>bullet streaks by, putting a hole through the ticket where it says the auditorium number
>someone throws a soda at me
>it lands on my lap, making it look like I peed myself
>"This loser peed himself!"
>Stacy #356 comes over and kicks me in the dick
>"Haha, I bet you enjoyed that, you pervert! Get lost!"
>run down the stairs
>trip and land in the manlet pit
>they start worshiping me for being 5'11"
>become king of the manlets
>they show me a secret passage
>a forgotten tunnel built by ancient miners
>walk, run, and crawl through the never-ending twisting path
>travelling for what seems like years
>take another step and slip
>the ground is completely smooth now
>sliding down for 15 minutes
>land in what seems to be an underground lake in a giant dome-shaped room
>this must be where the shower water is collected

There's no way out now. I've accepted my fate. The water is filthy but I can still drink it. And there's plenty of fruit so I won't starve. I guess this is where I belong.

>only have enough for 2 kinotickets
>decide to bear grylls
>grab used popcorn bag and soda out of the trash
>bring it up to the counter and ask for a refill
>they scan the bar code
>worried expression comes over Robert's face
>nervously ask if there is a problem
>"Haha no problem at all sir."
>hands me my beverage and popcorn
>come in the next week and Robert is gone
>ask when he'll be back
>cashier snickers and says he's out on an "extended vacation"

>go to local kinoarena 2 hours before open
>have my Marvel™ mandated ankle bracelet on
>Saw Spiderman homecoming 8 times this week so I have 1500 marvel points
>Finally enough points to skip the line to see it with the extended directors cut previews
>Theater is already full, got there late
>Choose a seat on the third tier behind the speaker
>80% blocked view but that's okay I have the movie memorized
>Watch the 2 hours preview for Cable
>Look around nervously when the Hulk guest shooter hasn't broke down the door yet
>Almost finished with my XXXL popcorn bucket with recirculating butter pump
>Movie ends
>Watch the credits waiting for the after credits bonus black widow movie
>Wade through pool of piss and coke to get to the exit
>Driving home listening to SiriusXM Marvel radio
>Car drives through red light and tbones me
>As I'm fading out of consciousness I hear
>"HULK SMASH"