Time to check the messages on the ol' answering machine

Time to check the messages on the ol' answering machine

*Beep*

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youtube.com/watch?v=A-s9LdQPXF4
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Hello? Spider-man? I am GAY! For YOU!

Hey Parker, long time no see. I wanted to know if we could get together and have dinner for old times sake. And bring your uncle, I always get a bang out of him when he visits.

''Parker if you are hearing this it means im gone, I just wanted you to know that while I was in your body I had sex with many child prostitutes while in Thailand and that Spider-man is now wanted by the interpol as an international sex ofender.
Also at the moment you hit the play button an e-mail with my confession and your current location was sent to many different goverment agencies.
Fuck you Parker, I just wanted to fuck my midget waifu in peace''

Baba booey baba booey! Howard Stern's penis!

>Peter. It's Mary Jane. I just want to let you know I found someone else.

"Parker, it's J. Jonah Jameson here, we're branching out at the Daily Bugle and we need lewds to compete with the Daily Planet's website now they're posting all those bikini shots in the sidebars. No pictures of Spider-Man unless he turns into a woman, which is even better because it's not anti-feminist then since it's just objectifying a guy. Oh, and I can't remember if I fired you or not so to be safe you're unfired, fired again, then unfired once more."

>Oh, hey Marzipan. Have you seen The Cheat? Because we can't find him anywhere.
>Anyways, this is Strong Bad and— uh, ooh, um... I mean this—this is Homestar... Runner. Oh Marzipan... um... I killed Pom Pom!
>Yeah, we're—we were playing badminton in his yard... and I got mad and I killed him! Oh no, I need your help... burying his body...
>*snickering*
>Uh, bring some towels... and some garbage bags... Uh... this is Homestar...

"Hey, it's Shocker. You weren't serious about that whole 'following me to the ends of the earth' thing, right? I have a date later today and I don't want any interruptions."

"Peter? It's me (insert female love interest), we are done, your always late to dates and really important times that i need you, like when (insert emotional thing that happened), i really needed you then. Also i'm kicking you out of our apartment even though your name is on the lease. Bye Peter"

"Petey, sweety, its your symbae! Hows about we forget about everything and just bond like old times huh? Pete? P Bear?........Fine! Eddie is sooooo much better than you anyway! I can grasp his Brocks all I want and you dont see him complain! Hes a real man!......Its that whore Mary Jane isnt it?! I'LL TAKE HER FORM AND PARADE AROUND IN HER SKIN! WHY WONT YOU LOVE ME PETER!?!?! WE WERE SO GOOD TOGETHER AND YOU HAD TO RUIN IT!.........anyway call me, I love you."

Hey, Pete! It's your rocking roomie calling! Just calling to let ya know I'll be over at Mary Jane's tonight. She's dreamsville! You should come by the Coffee Bean, Gwen's pretty peeved at you. You're still a cool cat in my book, Pete! Gotta go!

> [ Beep ] You have 4 messages. [ Beep ]

>Hey Sonic, It's Doctor Eggman. Just so you know, I'm planning to blow up the dam this Sunday. Hope to see you there! Not that you can stop me. AHAHAHAHA! [ Beep ]

>Hey, I'm here at the dam... Just waiting on you now... Gonna blow it up any second now... Bet you don't wanna miss it... [ Beep ]

>Oh! Sorry, butt dial! Didn't mean to call you. [ Beep ]

>Alright! It was a trick! I was gonna ambush you, but YOU didn't even have the decency to show up! That's really RUDE, Sonic! [ Beep ]

>"It's 'Harry' from managment. We have a problem! There's big mess over by the Condos on 122nd SE St! One of the residents' water pipe burst, wet all over! The whole buliding is gonna be flooded soon... hope you can get this shit ASAP... Don't go easy on the mop!"

DIIIIIIIIIIEEEEE

don't sweat it, Dad, I'll drive my cycle over right away.

Hey Webhead, it's your best pal wade! I know you said no the first hundred times I asked but I borrowed one of your webshooters and...well, I have a bit of a situation with mister deathstroke downstairs if you know what I mean. And I mean my penis. I tried to masturbate with a webshooter and webbed my penis to the ceiling fan, it's fun, but I have a harassing logan appointment at 4, do you know how to dissolve your webbing, and preferably can you do it with peach schnaps, crisco and a book of matches?

Hey, it's Deadpool again, Crisco didnt work and now my dick burns worse than the time I banged shehulk, I'm just kidding, she only gave me a handie in the avengers mansion bathroom. Also she may or may not think it was you. Anyway, I could REALLY use your help with this whole "penis webbed to the ceiling fan" thing.

Guess who ,best buddy!? So, I'm pretty sure I'm uncircumcized again now, and I've been swinging around my apartment for 15 minutes and I think it's starting to catch fire, but I cant tell because I've vomitted inside my mask and cant see anything any more. Thank Thor for Siri, or thank Tony, Actually, let me try calling him to see if he can help me.

youtube.com/watch?v=A-s9LdQPXF4

I WON'T BE COMING HOME TONIGHT

So, Tony was NOT helpful at all. And he asked how I got that number, so I'm pretty sure you're going to have to call him to find out what his new one is, In the meantime, the ceiling fan has burned off, that's the good news, bad knews is it is now pulling me out of a window because it's wiring followed. And I might electrocute myself, Hey you think the Shocker is still around? Maybe I can take his job. Anyway, I've got an idea I'm gonna try, toodles.

Hey, SO, spidey, if you happen to find a battery operated ceiling fan flopping about on a web swing attached to what looks like an overcooked fried hotdog covered in dried blood could you bring it back to me? The sooner the better, I dont want to end up on one of those lists where I have to go door to door and tell people I'm a sexual pre- oh wait nevermind I'm already on those lists...should really get around to telling my neighbors. Anyway, thanks.

Everyone, get in here!

Goddammit Harry

Please make more like this

>the Symbiote is now in an abusive relationship

I don't know who you are and I don't remember how I got this phone number. Call me back.

you mean the Daily Grind

No way! The Coffee Bean is the hippest joint in town!

It's the most!
We're going to host a 5k run there when Flash gets back from 'nam!

Daily Grind

user the The Coffe Bean is place were all the cool cats hang out, the Daily Grind sounds like a preppy cafe

Ben Reilly works at the Daily Grind

Coffee Bean to the max!

Coffee Bean is for pill poppers

The Daily Grind is bogus. The Coffee Bean is the most!

the clientele seem questionable at best

A FIGHT? COUNT ME IN

>"Peter, it's Smokey. I don't wanna be a hard-on about this, and I know it wasn't your fault, but I just thought it was fair to tell you that Gene and I will be submitting this to the League and asking them to set aside the round. Or maybe forfeit it to us. So like I say, just thought, you know, fair warning. Tell Harry."

>the Symbiote dosen't have anyone else to call for help except Peter, sadly Peter delete the message from answering machine in the moment he hears the Symbiote voice

>Peter? Peter Parker? It's Bendis. Brian. Brian Michael Bendis. I noticed you haven't been returning any of my calls. You haven't. Any of them. Why haven't you been called me back?

>...I was hoping -- when I FIRST tried to contact you-- I was hoping you could take some pictures with me and sign some of my Spider-Man comic books.

Over the line.

>Son, the Johnny Bravo thing was alright, but this is going too far..

"Peter, it's Norman. I know you and I don't have the best history, but I wanted to give you a call and let you know something. I hate you. I hate more than anything I've ever hated in my life, and I've hated a lot of things. I hope you die in a horrible accident."

"Oh speaking of horrible accidents, tell Harry I still don't love him."

this was my alarm for the longest time.

Peter this is your Aunt May. I feel you have too much money and are cutting your from the inheritance Ben left you.

Phew thought he was going to rub in Gwen's death in my face again.

That would be the straw that broke the camel's neck

I love how fucking crazy Norman is.

>BEEP
>"Hey Sweet P! Its your Goo again, just checking in on you.....again. Gargan hasnt worked out like I hoped, and.......the new guy scares me. Please take me back! I'll give you some space, honest! I can sleep in a jar, no more night swinging while your passed out or mood changes I promise. Well talk over coffee. Love you Pete.
>BEEP
>"YOU THINK YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR ME, IS THAT IT?! I know where you live! Ive been in your head! Im gonna bond with Flash, give him a set of Lt Dan legs SO WE CAN DANCE ON YOUR PUNY GRAVE!"
>BEEP
>"Fuck You."
>BEEP
>"Can Mary Jane or the cat skank feel up your entire body at once? I got reach baby! I know you inside and out!...Im sorry was that too weird? I'll call you back"
>BEEP
>"Im gonna do it! I'm gonna dissolve myself and you cant stop me!"
>BEEP
>"I'll be anything you want me to be! I can make myself red and blue just for you!......Petey?.......Sweet P?"
>BEEP
>"YOU FUCKI-"
>Message Box Full

...

Who the fuck are you talking to? Did I say you could make any outside calls on my phone? Now go get your mushy black ass in the kitchen.

This is sad

Edgy mac Edgy, go to your room!

>Its your Goo again
somehow this cracks me up the most.

Yet strangely accurate

>that last message
>its over 15 mins long

i was praying someone would post something related to HSR and i wasn't disappoint.

good jorb

i can see him doing this

You could probably do this relationship to "Stan"

CHANGE LEOPARDON!

...

>BEEP
>"Hey Peter... I just wanted to say I'm sorry for... all of that. I think me and Flash finally have a good thing goin'. Had some real bonding moments. We even had a big adventure out in space. Just like old times with you and me! We should catch up over coffee sometime. Things are finally lookin' up."
>BEEP
"Peter, I-I'm scared. I don't know where Flash is, and I-I'm all alone, and I need some help.... P-Peter?"
>BEEP
"PETER, PLEASE! I'VE CHANGED! COME BACK TO ME PETER!"
>BEEP
"He's... he's hurting me Peter. The new guy. He's not like Flash.... not like you.... So much pain..."
>BEEP
>"P-please Peter..... h-h-help...me...."

Would Peter actually do something if he was aware of EdgymcEdgy and how he treat the symbiote

Why wouldn't he?

Wow, that takes me back.

>Peter this is Bendis, only 10 days 27 hours and 14 minutes until you DIEEEEE.
>Don't worry though, I got a replacement for you, he's better than you'll ever be.
>well, see ya around.

"Hey Peter, its Gwen. I don't want you to freak out but I'm not the Gwen who dump you for osborn. I'm the Gwen who's dumping you for a new, younger spidertoy. Also I have spider-powers now, pretty cool actually. So yeh...looking forward to working with you on that new spiderman show."

>Lifetime's "A Touch of Darkness: The Symbiote Story" will be back after a word from our sponsors

>Frog face!

Along those lines.

>Peter, it's your ex-wife. Your alimony payment is three minutes late!
>Four minutes!
>...That's it! I'm calling my lawyer!

*Autistic screeching*

>*SHOCKEEEEER! YOU CAN'T ESCAPE MEEEEE! I'LL CHASE YOU TOTHEENDSOFTHEEARTH!*
>...
>"I should really stop calling to my apartment while drunk"

Damn. I CAME here to post this.

I WANT PICTURES! PICTURES OF PETER PARKER! GARBLE GARBLE

>Hey
>(EXPLOSION)

Absolutely. Didn't you read the end of Space Knight, they bury the hatched for real this tie (even if it took a lobotomy in Venom's side)

Worst part is the symbiote has no idea Peter has been hopelessly singe for a long while now.

>It's calling the wrong number.

"Peeeter....."

>>"YOU THINK YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR ME, IS THAT IT?! I know where you live! Ive been in your head! Im gonna bond with Flash, give him a set of Lt Dan legs SO WE CAN DANCE ON YOUR PUNY GRAVE!"

>"Peter?... It's Gwen. I'm sorry Peter. I've... I've been blacked... I can never go back."

>They accidentally dialed Peter Perker

...

I don't think Frank has a phone. He seems like the type to keep a pager.

I didn't know Peter bowled.

Wonder what he wanted. Hope the lives lost were worth saying hi.

What kind of voice are you imagining the symbiote having anyway?

A soft spoken feminine voice when trying to be sweet and an absolute rage demon when pissed.

The voice from the 90s cartoon.

The voice he had in the PS1 game.

youtube.com/watch?v=EbgM3pfe5yA

Yeah but thats when its bonded with Broc, I think what said
is funnier

...

>you have 341 new messages
>message number 1

How the hell did the symbiote get separated from Flash?