I'm like 10 years late, I know but

I'm like 10 years late, I know but..

HOLY FUCK do these fermi cards run HOT.

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heh yea I have one too. why did people buy this trash? I got it second hand from a friend

103c is a completely acceptable operating temperature.

It was a delicious day. Jen-Hsun Huang, CEO of NVIDIA, was sitting at his desk, preparing to delve into the tray of delicious pork shoulders to his side.

There was a knock at the door. "WELL HEY NOW, HOLY COW!" cried Jen-Hsun. "Didn't I tell you not to knock while I'm eating?"

"Sorry, sir." Ricky, Jen's secretary, stood at attention in the doorway. "There are a couple issues we need you to take care of..."

"Can it wait? I wanna play some Farmville after lunch," Jen said.

"I'm afraid it can't. Your stock broker called. Are you sure that..."

"Yes, another 1.7 million shares," said Jen between mouthfulls of pork shoulder.

"But sir, you must know that, as the CEO, the price of NVIDIA stock is only going up. Shouldn't you be buying?"

'Not for long,' Jen thought to himself. "Yes, I'm sure. I need the money so I can, uh, make some... charitable investments."

"Great thinking, sir!" Said Ricky, a hesitant half-smile finding its way to his lips.

Jen looked up from his pork shoulder, chewing the grease like a cud. "Yes, Ricky? Is there something else?"

"One more thing... there's a gentleman outside who seems quite eager to meet you."

"Who is it? Another ATi goon? I swear..." grumbled Jen.

"No! It's me, Jen - your most loyal fan!" squealed a tiny, round and thoroughly adrogynous figure. 'Probably male', Jen thought, upon noticing the androgyne attempting to hide an erection. His suspicion had been confirmed

"Good to meet you, Mr..." Jen began, studiously keeping his eyes on the child's face.

"IN Elite, sir!" the fat urchin said, his tone of voice rivaling that of a prepubescent girl, save for the purity.

No, what's your real name?" asked Jen.

"My...real name?" said IN Elite.

Jen's secretary leaned in and whispered, "He's a fanboy, sir. He doesn't remember anything since he bought his 9600GSO, which he still uses. He lives in his mother's basement and posts propaganda about NVIDIA on internet boards - 16 hours a day." Ricky felt queasy that he had to explain this to Jen every time the CEO encountered another basement rat.

Jen shook his head. Yes, they enabled him to have the income for his delicious pork shoulders, but he never liked meeting the mindless fanboys that bought his products. They were pathetic.

Jen forced a smile. "So...'IN Elite'...what if I told you that we would be willing to offer you a position here at NVIDIA?"

IN Elite's eyes widened so far and fast that they seemed as though they would fall from their sockets. His fat rolls tensed, and a steadilly visible stain formed on the crotch of his jeans. And just as quickly as the erection formed, it disappeared. Jen tried not to dwell on the meaning.

"I-I-I'd love to, sir!" exclaimed IN Elite, tears welling in his pig-like eyes.

"Great. You can start tomorrow in the 8800GTX renaming department."

"Oh no, sir. I take my work seriously. I'll start today." Jen sighed. At least the kid was willing.

IN Elite wrenched a laptop from the nearest NVIDIA employee and within seconds had opened several browser tabs and was beginning to spam propaganda across multiple websites. "I'll show those ATi shits who's boss now!"

And just as quickly as he came, IN Elite left. Jen looked longingly at the second half of his delicious pork shoulders. He approached the desk to get them when he was interrupted - yet again.

"Sir, we've had a breakthrough!" Jen's secretery screamed, bursting through the door, trailed by the engineers.

"You've figured out how to stop the whirring noises?"

"We're working on that...but in the meantime, we've not only released the 196.75 drivers to burn up earlier NVIDIA cards, but we've figured out how to get the users to blame themselves! By kissing the ass of every PC game developer, they'll have no choice but to buy Fermi!"

"That's great!" said Jen.

"But that's not all. Fermi lives!" yelled an engineer.

A smile crept up Jen's face. Slowly at first, before expanding wider, until it became an almost sickening leer. Delicious pork grease dribbled from the corners of the CEO's mouth. "My... my Fermi is... alive?"

"Yes! And it's here right now!" the engineer continued.

After countless months of promises and delays, Fermi was (subject to delay) finally ready. Jen's heart skipped a beat. He had waited for this opportunity for what felt like an eternity. It seemed unreal that the moment had finally come.

The lead engineer nodded to three other men in the room, who quickly wheeled in what at first appeared to be a Japanese solid capacitor, held together by woodscrews. They lifted the tarp from off of it, and smoke rose up and around, filling the room - as if a Rosewill PSU had failed. Muffled moans and groans could be heard, and Jen's heart began to beat faster and faster. Now was his moment - everything he had been planning for.

A soft cough was heard in the otherwise silent room.

As arms dripping with sweat gripped and the sides of his container, out came Fermi. He looked up at Jen with wide, tearful eyes.

Jen-Hsun felt as though the room temperature had skyrocketed. It may have been love at first sight, or it may have been the heat outputted by Fermi's nuclear reactor.

Fermi looked around the room at Jen's office. The delicious pork shoulders on his desk, the mollusk head on the bookcase, a disk with a skull and crossbones that said "196.75 - DO NOT USE INTERNALLY." And if this wasn't enough, Fermi then saw Farmville running. A tiny smile crept up his cheeks. It was love at first sight.

Jen continued to admire Fermi. As he looked at Fermi's smooth, fresh backplate, he risked a bite of his lip. He looked down at his pork shoulders, then back up at Fermi's backplate. He knew which one was more alluring, and which one he'd love to take a bite out of right about now.

"It's perfect," exclaimed Jen, "What a piece of eng-" He listed off, while reaching out with his hand.

"Careful, don't get too close, we haven't quite perfected the woodscrew technology just yet. It can be rather unstable. Wouldn't want one flying in your eye now, would you?"

Jen looked the engineer in the eyes. "I've waited this long, and you think I'm just going to back away now? No. NVIDIA needs this. I..need this. " He reached out for the Fermi's backplate - just to touch it. To see what it felt like. Certainly, a simple caress of such a beautifully crafted item was not to be frowned upon.

And that's when it happened. As soon as Jen's hungry touch danced over Fermi's delicious backplate, a woodscrew became dislodged, rolling out onto the floor. But Jen paid it no mind. 'All good pre-production models have a few issues with yields.' Jen thought to himself.

What the fuck

More?

KEK

SOMEBODY CALL NINE ONE ONE

IN Elite watched Jen caress Fermi's backplate. He wanted to do the same, but knew he could not. He was simply in the right place at the right time - to watch magic unfold, in front of his very eyes. His erection was coming back, and stronger than ever.

IN Elite watched as the woodscrew lazily rolled his way and come to a stop against his foot. He looked around - first at the engineers, then at Jen. No one had noticed him, or even remembered that he was there. He grinned to himself, carefully bent over, and snatched it up. With no time for him to admire, he hastily stuffed it into the front left pocket of his jacket. The warmth of the screw felt good against his chest. His eyes darted back and forth, making certain that not a soul had witnessed his theft.

The engineers, who had intended to take Fermi back with them, underestimated Jen's passion for the card. Horrified by the sensuality between Jen and Fermi, they quietly left.

"So, Fermi, are you glad that you're finally going to be released soon?"

"I guess so. I'm not sure if I'm ready though," said Fermi feebly. "I consume the power of a 5970, but I can't outperform a 5870!"

Jen looked at Fermi with a smile. "Don't worry! Nobody has to know that. We have time before you launch. While we work on fixing you, we'll make some whitepapers saying you're the toughest graphics card on the block. With better framerates and tessalation than all the other supple young boys. Cream of the crop. And we'll show them some benchmarks showing them you're way hotte-err-FASTER than anything that 'meanie' ATi has."

"Oh...okay!" said Fermi, with his renewed sense of confidence. Jen grinned as his eyes lingered over Fermi's backplate once more.


The full story is actually pretty hard to find these days. I think it actually has 3 acts.

"Whatever gave you those horrible, incredulous thoughts anyways, Fermi?" said Jen, suddenly concerned.

"Oh gee...well...I was just reading Semiacc-".

Jen cut Fermi off. "Charlie Demerjian is a liar and a fraud. Don't worry about him. He'll be taken care of. Now, Fermi, do you want some additional wattage?"

Fermi nodded. "I guess so. All of these cores are making me dizzy..."

"Don't worry. We'll disable some of them." Jen said, reassured Fermi.

Charlie Demerjian sighed. He had always sought the truth, reporting what others were afraid to, taking risks and not giving a damn about what people thought about him. Not catering your news to the companies you report on may not be the most profitable way to run a news site, but it allowed Charlie to sleep easily at night - until recently. NVIDIA had been on the offensive, lawyering up and threatening to sue his advertisers for knowingly promoting a site that had been "printing libel." Advertisers dropped left and right. AMD stepped up their advertising, but Charlie knew that times were tough.

Charlie's computer sounded an alert - new email. Charlie opened his mailbox.

He found a message that claimed to have insider information. He opened the first of several pictures.

Charlie's grin could be viewed from space. Vindication, at last. As he looked at the backplate he laughed, knowing that he finally had the evidence against NVIDIA that he needed.

This shit is fucking priceless

I miss In Elite. And SiliconDoc and mod

The full story can be found here: web.archive.org/web/20100329230705/http://the-glu.com/fermiville3d.htm

I need to go to work.

This is the best fanfiction I have ever read

what the fuck are the contacts at the top of the card for?

That was the best story I've read in a while

SLI? SLI.

what's a wood screw?

What the fuck.

You've got to be kidding.

I miss people on Sup Forums having autistic shitfist over something but fucking phones.

For the same reason people bought 290(X).