yeah fair enough. It might make more sense if I explain the phrasing. It's pretty much triplets.
Stripped - of - in di - vi - du - a - l - i - ty world - of du - a - li - ty etc.
Colton Thomas
made me cringe halfway through, but i'll offer some constructive criticism. If you're trying to express suffering, maybe try being a bit more subtle and less explicit. Being this blunt makes it cringy, but if you attempt to connect with your readers/listeners on a personal level it'll bring them into your world rather than you forcing your world onto them. Also, the structure feels too rigid; vocab and syntax could be upgraded as well.
Connor Perez
Thanks man
Joshua Cruz
Hits the feels my friend. One suggestion I have would be to look into poetry a bit more. These lyrics are very blatant, and don't give the reader (or listener) the gift of uncovering the meaning in any eloquent way. Try writing some poetry and then come back to lyrics. The universe you create with your words doesn't have to obey the same rules as this universe at all - play around a bit. Keep your head up OP
Jack Martin
Dead nigga, Boss nigga, Gold plated cross nigga Hangin' from my wrists, getting dissed, I still persist Lynchin' without flinchin', no mo bitchin' or snitchin' Rhymin on the mound, this pussy getting pound These people will worship me, once they hear this sound.
Caleb Watson
>uncomf'terble
Ethan Nelson
Listen to these boys OP
Juan Collins
This sounds like something Ian Curtis would write.
Kevin Cook
nice b8 faggot
Xavier Cooper
How about these bad boys?
Be strong Be hard Resist temptation Stick your hand in your eye Clench your fist Resist Walk on this line Flex your muscles Come back for more Come back Be strong Be hard Flex your muscles Be hard
Cooper Mitchell
Not bad but lower the edginess and make what you mean less obvious.
Would work as an emo song, but still could use some improvement. Third stanza in particular is where it goes wrong for me. I see what you're going for there but you don't quite pull it off
Joshua Sullivan
Wax the track four on the floor like a vinyl Read the plaque with the motto "all sales final" Nearly flew the coop, sun switch through the grotto Cash blast on taxes better spent on local lotto
Evan Reed
Here's a song I never got around to finishing. A little edgy, but whatever.
You never think to bring a spare battery for the search light, it always shined all through the night, oh what a sight.
The sinking ship, and its marines all looked like glass figurines the sun shined down onto the bay the captain said "when did the night turn to day?"
They all jumped off the burning boat they were surprised, they could not float. They screamed like birds, who'd lost their wings. Those on the shore, could only sing about the tide, and rolling waves. "there's nothing left for us to save" The mast now fell out of their sight, the children yelled, the parents sighed. They brought them close, said "listen please" "That's why you don't go out to sea"
As others said, try and be a bit more subtle. I mean pretty much all my songs are about what you wrote, but you have to find other ways to express that or else it's just boring and cringey.
Jordan Hall
>rhyming "wasted" with "wasted" 10/10 triple platinum AOTY
Oliver Green
>a young man's youth that's like saying a child's childishness maybe mudvayne or some other nu metal band could make this work or limp bizkit
Adam Bailey
Nice advice
Jaxon Jackson
Enjoy your unfulfilling experience.
Cameron Hill
This beat is nuttier than my pants at an open casket Coffin up blood Poppin down pills Just gotta decide What bitch I wanna kill
Dylan King
I hate ridin' the wheels give me my processed meal shutting my self again like always don't bother
Hunter Bennett
No not really Thanks a bunch for the advice lads
Evan Cox
bad
Jonathan Wright
are mine ok?
i wrote a song for you.. a string of tones arranged like black and lustreless beads on a rosary in my sleep you're hunched over away from me scrubbing the muscles and flesh from your wrists i look away in shame the shock of losing you still there each morning. i feel like the arteries and tissue around my heart have been replaced by thick, rough rope.
Joshua Stewart
You're not a 19th romantic century poet. Stop writing like one.
Oliver Miller
>You're not a 19th romantic century poet says who?
Sebastian Foster
not bad, trying tweaking the somewhat cliche shock of losing you line and the phrase hunched over away from me which is ugly
Landon Lee
The superior Donna, Moira Kelly.
Kayden Wright
yeah i agree. moira is god-tier i wish they would've snapped her up for the return. thank you for feedback my man, xo
